A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Monday, October 17, 2005


There's been a house alarm.. er... alarming LOUDLY since 11:30 last night and it's right opposite my house.
The worst thing is that it's unoccupied (the house, not the noise) so I can't find anyone to murder.

What do you do when there's an alarm-clock-like noise going on across the street and you have reached the point of slitting your wrists? (That was rhetorical, don't answer me - let me tell you.)

...don't you just hate rhetorical questions???

You lie in bed with a pillow on your head.
Sounds uncomfortable. (It is.)

This doesn't work as it severely cramps your style when it comes to breathing. Call me old-fashioned, but I quite like breathing.

Next you lie on your side with one arm over your exposed ear and try not to think about the alarm. All the while you wonder whether home-made earplugs made out of wet toilet paper would get stuck in your ears and would require a hospital trip. And how do you know that you haven't got tinnitus? Please, no. A lifetime of this.. I would rather eat my legs with a spoon.
Oh, and if you've got wet bog roll in your ears, can you hear your own alarm clock?

I didn't try the bog roll thing as eventually method 2 allowed me to sleep for around 20 minutes.
However, I dreamed about alarms.

This led to me waking up, and on the verge of sobbing uncontrollably through sleep-deprived-induced insanity, rang the police. I was hoping that they would jump on their horses and get right over here pronto with a top marksman who would shoot the bastard alarm to oblivion. They would then hunt down the owner of the property with dogs and rip him to pieces before delivering his many tiny twitching remains to my front doorstep in a little box so that I could hang his corpse out in the street as a deterrent.

They told me to ring Environmental Health.

EH said that if I had rung 3 0r 4 hours earlier they could have done something. But now they can't. Because it's nearly daytime.
I don't call this daytime, I don't get a pulse 'til around 11am.
Hang on a second.


Oh, and the other thing they said was that they would ring me back in a bit.

If you see them, can you explain to them that the reason I had rung was because I wanted to go to sleep... not hang around waiting for a phone call? They're missing the whole point. I don't want a nice chat, I want all the horrible noises to go away before I start dribbling and rocking.


At 12:42 am, Blogger Clairwil said...

I am surrounded by shops with highly sensitive alarms. Many is the night I've spent sobbing in a corner as a result.

At 11:19 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found this googling "homemade earplugs", because my roommate likes to sleep listening to loud techno muic. I banged on his door for 20 mins with no success of waking him up. After reading this I'm slightly let pissed off. Thanks

At 11:19 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...



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