A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Saturday, December 17, 2005


The fact that I have the ability to publish something on a whim and express myself here, in the internet ether, the collective unconscious, the release it brings, shooting my verbal semen between the heaving breast of the blogosphere, it makes me happy.

Part @ of a short tale

Uptown, Tim potter watching a virus in the companies mainframe and carefully watched it as it gobbled up data, munch, munch, munch, munch. The virus would replicate and be at all 5000 terminals within a matter of seconds. He could just about count down the seconds before the phone would ring. 4,3,2,1,.....ring.

" Tim, there's something wrong with the database I can't pull up anything other than naked pictures of Roseanne Barr ! What the hell is going on !!!!"

Tim immediately recognized the voice as one of the underwriters from the fifth floor. This was the prick who spent all day playing scrabble and flash games that clog up the system with spyware.

" I need you to turn off your computer and unhook it from the hub and bring it in for service...."

" We'll isn't there...."

" Just do it now and I might be able to save some of your files, but you have to hurry, this is the new bar virus you need to act fast"

Tim worked as the head of Information Technology and pulled down an enormous salary. The board of directors was so happy to have him aboard and valued his forceful direct form of leadership that was the hallmark of his department. Since his arrival he had sequestered all the computer activity to one wing of the building where only he and his staff were allowed. Tim had a staff of 10 high trained and quality personal. The hours Tim had them work were long and varied. Pegasus Ins. had hired him just in time as the # of viruses and computer problems they were having doubled in the five years he had been at the company. Tim ruled his department with an iron fist and security was top priority. He had never met a virus or computer glitch that he couldn't concur.

Security was top priority, because Tim, was taking the company for a ride. He actually only had one employee and he was an old roommate from college that was helpful when it came to things like going to the deli for a sub, scoring some weed, and finding the hidden levels on Grand Theft Auto. The rest of the companies employees were fakes. Social security numbers of recently deceased and long dead people, bank accounts, IRA's, medical histories all concocted by Timmer. Tim would make 3.5 million this year in cold hard cash. Next year he would make over four when he convinced the board that he needed more resources to battle the evil computer demons that were knocking at the door.

They would make their demands and he would scare them with urgent e-mails and articles of fried servers and anarchist hackers lying in wait to take advantage of the company that puts down there guard. The elder states man of the board were throwing money at Tim and his crack IT department. When Tim requested a enormous clean room with state of the art venting technology and 10 new servers to " hyperconnect Pegasus into the technological forefront of the insurance business " The old codgers couldn't write the check quick enough. After the retinal scan security system was installed Tim felt like he had created a masterpiece and everyone that followed his lead agreed.

There was a matter of having Orc set up an automated aero-marijuana garden in the clean room. Orc grew up with hippy parents on the south facing slope of Mt. Washington. His parents were old hippies and homeschooled Orc ( or osirus rastus coning ) in all things important. Making cloths, bread, fishing, sewing, quantum physics and most usefull to Tim, farming Marijuana. Orc had some of the last remaing seeds for Super silver Haze, a brand of smoke that was said to have calmed James Brown down enough to get the keys away from him while he was smoking angel dust. However, that's a story for another time.

Tim and Orc made their home in the basement of Pegasus insurance for years. They liked to think of it as there own private country. They would often blinfold acquaintances ( usually female ) and take them to their lair for day's on end. As long as Pegasus received protection from the dreaded evil virus ( Tim made sure of that ) and their emloyees had a way to play spider solitaire while pretending to look busy they never even approached Tim. Tim really didn't know much about computers per se, If HR had bothered to double check his bogus transcripts or references they might have found out. If he had any serious problems he farmed the work out to a local independent computer guru who billed him in Ounces of marijuana, the arrangement worked out magnificently.

Tim cut an imposing figure you see. He was born without a certain RNA messenger that would inhibit his muscle growth. Tim looked like Mr. Universe his biceps were huge, his legs looked to be from a horse, his head bald as Kojack, He felt tense all the time like his muscles twitched in opposition to one another a thousand times a second. Marijuana at first amplified these cycles then harmonized them ( at least that what he told himself ) and allowed him a reasonable facsimile of relaxation. When he wasn't sedated Tim was a tense beast, barking orders and ruling over his kingdom with despotic terror.

Narnia Narnia hey hey (kiss him goodbye)

I went to see Narnia yesterday.
Not the place, sadly, just the film.
Although I used to hide in my wardrobe when I was younger too - although obviously MFI MDF just doesn't have the same magical properties as oak.
(Although the lack of oxygen did make me see funny things when I was in there too).

Anyway, I enjoyed it.
Aslan was very well done.
And the polar bears, I liked them.
Less so the beavers at times (gasp - I can see the headline now 'Lesbian doesn't like beaver!') - and some of the long shots obviously didn't have the same meticulous level of attention paid to them, but all in all it was very good.
Oh, and the fake snow - they should have worked more on that. But I suppose you can't genuinely expect the half naked British actors dressed as fawns to actually film in real snow.
Otherwise Lucy's eyes would have been poked out by his wintery nipples.

I spent all yesterday thinking 'Where's he from? What HAVE I seen Mr Tumnus in?' and it's literally only just come to me - Children of Dune.
He was the hunky young Leto Atredies.
I had a complete crush on him in that, so do pity me (it's been a long time - I don't get out much) over the fact that I was getting slightly squishy at the sight of a fawn.

And I can see what people mean about Peter.
He LOOKED the part but love-a-duck, he wielded a sword like a big girl's blouse!
I mean, purlease!
I appreciate he's obviously a 'child actor' and so he probably never expanded his life skills by playing lightsabres down at the bottom of the garden with runner bean poles but SOMEONE should have stopped him and said 'no, it was good when you first held it like a big girl - that fitted with the whole 'reluctance to be a hero' thing, but now you're leading an army in a confident manner, you need to THRUST it - it's heavy and it's a weapon and heavy weapons, as any foole (or boy) knows, need to be thrusted. That is the only way to carry weapons - with conviction and purpose.'
But obviously they didn't.

Edmund was the same with his sword - all lacklustre.
Thrust and yell fiercely, lads!! Come on, put some backbone into it! Act like proper young hoodlums/warlords.
Honestly, they'd NEVER have been given jobs on the set of Xena. How we are expected to believe they are kings of Narnia when they are RUBBISH with weaponry is beyond me.

But yes, Peter - a bit too reluctant the whole way through - not really consistent.
He'd break into a half-hearted 'I've got to be brave and do what mummy said' thing every once in a while - but it's no wonder Edmund ignored him so much.
Peter's obviously a big wussy poof-to-be.
Secretly he probably wanted to be plaiting and styling Aslan's mane instead of pricking about with big sharp objects which could get his pretty face damaged or his good togs dirty.

I did like Edmund - only because he inspired hate in me, and since that's what his character was meant to do, he was obviously doing a believable job.
Lucy was great, I have no qualms about her acting skills at all. Lots of cuteness and huzzahing in her direction, definitely.
And Susan was the correct combination of 'big sappy useless girl' and 'pointless older sister to be ignored'.
You do wonder if CS Lewis didn't like his older sibling in real life, don't you?
Honestly, it's no wonder people like Lyra from the Northern Lights trilogy these days. Kids need some decent characters to counteract all the damage crap girl role-models have done over the years.

I know a lot of people have been using the whole story as religion metaphors and Susan finding her sexuality as some sort of corrupting influence (which I can appreciate, I think sex and its drives turn you into a moron too) but I don't really see it in the Narnia Chronicles.

To me it's just a story about growing up and feeling like you are being forced to behave a certain way with the onset of adulthood and how you have to rebel against that sometimes.

I mean adults are 'supposed' to be responsible and not fanciful and logical and all the rest of it. And even yesterday there was a bit where everyone in the cinema laughed, apart from me , (it was during the big fight scene) - which I thought just proves that adults often find it hard to suspend their disbelief and just go with an idea.
So the fact that Susan denies her Narnia experience always just suggested to me that she's convinced herself that adults wouldn't think that Narnia was real, that logically it couldn't have happened - and that's the image she feels she has to convey to fit in with society - or else she'd be ostracised.

You know - it's like kids when they say they saw a ghost - and adults laugh and say not to be silly - because they'd rather look at it in a logical way so it's not unusual and scary and freaky. And anyway, noone wants the neighbours to think their child is a freak.
So parents deny it.
And that teaches children to either not say such things out loud again, or to question what they saw and try and explain it away - instead of just believing what was infront of them.

I mean I can see why people do it.
But that doesn't mean it's always right to do that.
Even though it's more comforting to explain any noises and things that move in the corner of your eye and unusual events etc.

And the lipstick comment - it's a sign that Susan cares what others think of her.
She wants people to like her, she wants to fit in.
It doesn't mean she found sex and denied what happened because sex rotted her brain - it means she knows that to fit in with society you have to behave a certain way, that to find a partner you are supposed to look a certain way, to make your life easier to have to play along with the behaviour rules of society - so she's convinced herself that it was just fancy and silly children's game.

Loads of my friends react the same to me - you remind them of something you did as kids and they fob it off as 'oh, we were just kids who didn't know any better'.
And I find that horrible.
It is almost a complete denial of a whole part of their (and your) life.
It's like they're saying it didn't matter, that it was a glitch.
That all those things you remember terribly fondly were unimportant folly.
They're saying it was just childish.
And they see 'childish' as a bad thing.
Because that's the signal they get from the society they live in.
Childish natures, a refusal to grow up and a lack of responsibility is 'a bad thing'.

Again, it's probably a personal opinion, but I'd rather hang around with people who can make up fanciful stories and go off on silly tangents than someone who looks down on people who do.
Er, and OK, it does annoy me that people are always just staring at me when I go off on my tangents and am being silly, so maybe that shapes my opinions.
But sometimes it does make you feel REALLY lonely and outcast when there's just a throng of silent, sombre faces staring back at you when you're creating a scenario.
And I don't mean lying. I mean doing it for effect.

Oh, anyway, if you're not the sort of person who does it I think it makes it very hard to stand and see it happen in front of you.
I don't begrudge Susan her place in Narnia heaven because she felt compelled by society to follow the rest of the sheep. I just think it's a shame.
And I think it's a horrible shame that I see that in my friends nearly every time we meet up.
SEEMINGLY it's not 'the done thing' to suggest we go climb a tree at 29 years old.


More fool them.

I'd rather climb a tree and make a prick of myself that way than sit in a pub getting drunk and making a prick of myself in another.
But obviously, that's just me.
Narnia, I am ready!
I have great runner-bean-pole-manship and I will happily forego sex so I can stay forever (let's face it, that's no great task since I'm not getting any anyway).
Now, if you'd just relax the rules so I could squeeze in through an Ikea hanging rail instead of a big wardrobe, that would be great.