A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

O Reilly?

I see that, here in Blighty, Channel 4 have run out of good ideas for the year after 'Space Cadets' and 'Demolition', and are instead retreating to the trusty formula of winding up Jimmy Carr's clockwork mechanisms and doing countdown after countdown. Since people appear to enjoy this, I thought I would celebrate a momentous occasion with a miniature countdown of my own.

What momentous occasion, you ask? Well, this last six months, FOX News presenter Bill O'Reilly has officially passed Beyond Parody. I thought I'd share with you my favourite rants from America's most right-wing television personality, and a man who is either a complete shit or else an exceedingly good prankster:

3) Via Sadly, No! comes this classic:

Mr O'Reilly is chatting with apprently rather hopeless liberal pundit Jackson Bain:

O'REILLY: All right, well, listen, Jackson, we respect your opinion, but you're dead wrong on this one. Now.

BAIN: Well, maybe.

O'REILLY: In the South, Richmond Times, for example.

BAIN: Right.

O'REILLY: Now this is a conservative city, Richmond. I mean, this is not Madison, Wisconsin, where you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in the Madison, Wisconsin media.

BAIN: Sure.

Yes, it's well known that in America entire communities consist only of Satanists. I mean, Wisconsin is so liberal, it's like, practically, you know, Holland, up there, right? Or maybe not. Good God.

2) Comfortably beating this is a recent grade A rant, following a vote in San Francisco to discourage the military from recruiting in educational establishments:

O'REILLY: Hey, you know, if you want to ban military recruiting, fine, but I'm not going to give you another nickel of federal money. You know, if I'm the president of the United States, I walk right into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium, and I say, "Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you're not going to get another nickel in federal funds. Fine. You want to be your own country? Go right ahead."

And if Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.

You see what I mean about it being impossible to tell if he's for real or not. This is the demented moaning of a mad, mad man. Since when did voting against military recruiting indicate a desire to secede? Come to that, since when did Al Qaeda take instructions off the President about where was okay to attack? I'm sure you'll agree - an absolute classic.

1) Still, this one is even better:

After a senator had made some comments about the legality of Guanatanamo Bay, Mr. O'Reilly used the opportunity to air some dirty laundry:

O'REILLY: And when he [Durbin] went out there, his intent was to whip up the American public against the Bush detainee policy. That's what his intent was. His intent wasn't to undermine the war effort, because he never even thought about it. He never even thought about it. But by not thinking about it, he made an egregious mistake because you must know the difference between dissent from the Iraq war and the war on terror and undermining it. And any American that undermines that war, with our soldiers in the field, or undermines the war on terror, with 3,000 dead on 9-11, is a traitor.

Everybody got it? Dissent, fine; undermining, you're a traitor. Got it? So, all those clowns over at the liberal radio network, we could incarcerate them immediately. Will you have that done, please? Send over the FBI and just put them in chains, because they, you know, they're undermining everything and they don't care, couldn't care less.

Boo hoo hoo hoo! Mommy, those kids are beating me at conkers! Take their conkers off them. Boo hoo hoo hoo. I don't want this man to vanish. He's far too amusing.

O'Reilly demonstrates just how big his brain is.