A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Monday, January 09, 2006

I'm The Ideas Factory, Me

I was down the pub with a friend of mine a while ago, and we started to ponder what TV programmes we would make if we had our own channel. Consider for a second, total creative freedom. We imposed no constraints of budget, or of taste, or of anything else at all beyond the far limits of our immaginations. Here are some of the fruits of our ideas, and remember, if anyone from the Beeb is reading, I'm available for contract talks:

A Bath With Camus: This was to be a fifteen minute short. Every day, a different celebrity would read, and explain, a chunk of Camus' philosophy from the comfort of their tub. If the celebrity wished to cover their modesty with strategically-placed Badedas that would be their prerogative. We thought a good place to start would be the actress who played that tarty one on Hollyoaks, who could do the opening chapter of 'The Stranger.'

The Big Footprints: To complete the rest of our literary hour, for the opening week only, Brian Blessed would be dressed as Bigfoot and would read the eponynous action yarn by Hammond Innes, lending it an extra air of, well, action, I suppose. At the end of each episode, Blessed would fool and frighten a Winnebago full of tenderfeet tourists. They would run away, and he would look through the digital cameras they left in their terror, before eating them. This would be a running joke in the series.

Wish You Were North Korea: A travelogue. Sort of like 'Holidays In The Axis Of Evil', but instead of having an independent journalist critically examining the world's worst nations, we'd let the dictators try and sell the wonders of their lands themselves, with the theme tune from 'Rainbow' playing faintly, but incessantly, in the background. In order to lessen the propaganda impact, at the end of each episode, the two dictators featured would have their heads superimposed on two exceedingly fat people having sweaty sex. Competition winners could stay in the Ryugyong Hotel.

What The FOX Going On?: My personal favourite. Instead of paying for licensed coverage of already-existing sports - how boring would that be? - instead, we would produce our own. We thought of this, remember, at a time when the hunting ban was just coming and the war in Iraq was still raging.

The idea is simple. Instead of posh blokes fannying around on horses, we would get a certain, well-known American media network to carpetbomb the British countryside, from F-16 fighter jets, in order to kill those red dog-like creatures that roam it unmolested. In a testament to said channel's well-known accuracy in its reporting, Murray Walker and David Coleman would do the commentary, Steve Claridge would do the summarising and Lisa Guerrero could be the sideline reporter. She's perfect for the job - she fulfils the triumvirate of not being terribly accurate, having worked for FOX, and being a fox, so she has every base covered.

Any of your own suggestions will, of course, be considered.

You can run, but you can't hide!


At 10:16 am, Blogger Paul B said...

You've Been Maimed.

Following on from Granada Men and Motors, you could have Granada Meningitis, which is just ill blokes with stiff necks and headaches watching wet t-shirt contests.

A talent contest show set in Afghanistan called Fame Al-Qaedamy. Or one set in the Vatican called Pope Star.

A sure-fire ratings winner, combining two recent hits: Doctor Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

Robot Whores.

More will probably follow as I get more and more bored today at work...

At 5:42 pm, Blogger Paul said...

One that a friend and I came up with a while ago was Psycho Survivor. It works much the same as the reality show - a bunch of people on an island playing silly games - except one of the contestants is an armed psychopath. Will they work out who it is before it's too late?

At 12:26 am, Blogger ill man said...

Steve, excellent stuff. The FOX and Brain Blessed ones had me laughing like a fool.

At 2:09 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a cheeky wee fox!


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