A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Wholly Slithering Snake Pouches Batman!

Is there anything more amusing than Christians sneaking guiltily into the Devil's kitchen to grab a piece of the cake, and pretending God says it's ok? You know the sort of thing: lustful vicars 'ministering' to call-girls, long-haired Christian heavy-metal rockers spreading the Good Word in lycra jumpsuits and spikey dog-collars, multi-millionaire TV evangelists wittering on about the poor inheriting heaven ... Well, now we have what I assume is the UK's first Christian online sex-shop, cleverly named whollylove, with a mission to 'celebrate God's fantastic gift of sex within Christian marriage'. Er, yes.

Not surprisingly, half the site is taken up with the owners' desperate attempts to justify its existence, but how exactly do you justify selling 'Sex Tarts Lubes' exclusively to happily married Christians when the very word 'tart' reeks of extra-marital sex? And then there's the 'Slithering Snake Pouch' ('with googly eyes and a red tongue, this is one cunning reptile!'). Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't there a similarly cunning reptile causing a lot of trouble in ye olde Garden of Eden, and does your average God-fearing husband, nibbling devoutly away at his wife's Candy Panties, really want to place his own consecrated snake in such close proximity to the Slithery One's lolling red tongue? I think not. And what about the 'Screaming Orgasm Kit', billed as 'a great gift for that special woman with retro packaging and an excellent assortment of top quality goodies inside'? I don't know about you, but I've never met a woman with retro packaging, so God only knows if a screaming orgasm would be an appropriate gift for her or not.

Here are a few snippets from the Gospel according to Whollylove:
- Marriage is the place that God designed for sex to be enjoyed – so it’s the place where the best sex can be had!
- We want to reclaim sex and proclaim it loud and clear as a great gift from God in the right context!
- We feel that all items we stock can be used, should both husband and wife agree, as a part of their sexual enjoyment together without crossing Biblical guidelines.
I wonder if there's a similar shop for Pastafarians like me?

3 Comments:

At 1:38 am, Blogger Space Cadet 'R' said...

Wow. I'm not a Christian prude or anything (not anymore), but when you consider that the first epistle of Paul in the New Testament says that you shouldn't even think about touching a woman's cha-cha, things have certainly changed.

1 Cor, Ch 7:

1 Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman.
2Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband

...

6But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment.
7For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.

 
At 10:11 pm, Blogger Clairwil said...

I've always thought it must be very difficult for religious people to have sex with their belief that God is everywhere and noting everything you do. Imagine arriving at the pearly gates and St Peter saying 'that stuff with the KY and balloons in 1998 was just disgusting, off to hell, you filthy animal.' Well it would put me off if I thought God was watching, like a dirty, great perv.

 
At 10:42 pm, Blogger ill man said...

Can you think of anything more soul destroying than knowing exactly what each and every one of us get's up to in private?

With omnipotence comes a price.

 

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