Wholly Slithering Snake Pouches Batman!
Is there anything more amusing than Christians sneaking guiltily into the Devil's kitchen to grab a piece of the cake, and pretending God says it's ok? You know the sort of thing: lustful vicars 'ministering' to call-girls, long-haired Christian heavy-metal rockers spreading the Good Word in lycra jumpsuits and spikey dog-collars, multi-millionaire TV evangelists wittering on about the poor inheriting heaven ... Well, now we have what I assume is the UK's first Christian online sex-shop, cleverly named whollylove, with a mission to 'celebrate God's fantastic gift of sex within Christian marriage'. Er, yes.
Not surprisingly, half the site is taken up with the owners' desperate attempts to justify its existence, but how exactly do you justify selling 'Sex Tarts Lubes' exclusively to happily married Christians when the very word 'tart' reeks of extra-marital sex? And then there's the 'Slithering Snake Pouch' ('with googly eyes and a red tongue, this is one cunning reptile!'). Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't there a similarly cunning reptile causing a lot of trouble in ye olde Garden of Eden, and does your average God-fearing husband, nibbling devoutly away at his wife's Candy Panties, really want to place his own consecrated snake in such close proximity to the Slithery One's lolling red tongue? I think not. And what about the 'Screaming Orgasm Kit', billed as 'a great gift for that special woman with retro packaging and an excellent assortment of top quality goodies inside'? I don't know about you, but I've never met a woman with retro packaging, so God only knows if a screaming orgasm would be an appropriate gift for her or not.
Here are a few snippets from the Gospel according to Whollylove:
- Marriage is the place that God designed for sex to be enjoyed – so it’s the place where the best sex can be had!I wonder if there's a similar shop for Pastafarians like me?
- We want to reclaim sex and proclaim it loud and clear as a great gift from God in the right context!
- We feel that all items we stock can be used, should both husband and wife agree, as a part of their sexual enjoyment together without crossing Biblical guidelines.