A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Wholly Slithering Snake Pouches Batman!

Is there anything more amusing than Christians sneaking guiltily into the Devil's kitchen to grab a piece of the cake, and pretending God says it's ok? You know the sort of thing: lustful vicars 'ministering' to call-girls, long-haired Christian heavy-metal rockers spreading the Good Word in lycra jumpsuits and spikey dog-collars, multi-millionaire TV evangelists wittering on about the poor inheriting heaven ... Well, now we have what I assume is the UK's first Christian online sex-shop, cleverly named whollylove, with a mission to 'celebrate God's fantastic gift of sex within Christian marriage'. Er, yes.

Not surprisingly, half the site is taken up with the owners' desperate attempts to justify its existence, but how exactly do you justify selling 'Sex Tarts Lubes' exclusively to happily married Christians when the very word 'tart' reeks of extra-marital sex? And then there's the 'Slithering Snake Pouch' ('with googly eyes and a red tongue, this is one cunning reptile!'). Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't there a similarly cunning reptile causing a lot of trouble in ye olde Garden of Eden, and does your average God-fearing husband, nibbling devoutly away at his wife's Candy Panties, really want to place his own consecrated snake in such close proximity to the Slithery One's lolling red tongue? I think not. And what about the 'Screaming Orgasm Kit', billed as 'a great gift for that special woman with retro packaging and an excellent assortment of top quality goodies inside'? I don't know about you, but I've never met a woman with retro packaging, so God only knows if a screaming orgasm would be an appropriate gift for her or not.

Here are a few snippets from the Gospel according to Whollylove:
- Marriage is the place that God designed for sex to be enjoyed – so it’s the place where the best sex can be had!
- We want to reclaim sex and proclaim it loud and clear as a great gift from God in the right context!
- We feel that all items we stock can be used, should both husband and wife agree, as a part of their sexual enjoyment together without crossing Biblical guidelines.
I wonder if there's a similar shop for Pastafarians like me?

And the money kept rolling in...

The EuroMillions lottery jackpot has not been won in a few weeks. I bought a lucky dip when the money rolled over to £50 million, bought 2 when it got to £80 million and another 2 this week when it was £100 million. It's still not been won and next week the jackpot will be an estimated £125 million.

This staggering amount of money has got people talking about putting a cap on the lottery jackpot. Some say it isn't fair for one person to win that much money (although it could always be a syndicate or even multiple winners) but I'm sure they'd change their tune if it was their winning ticket. How would they decide on the maximum figure anyway and, more importantly, where would the excess go ? There's no such thing as fair in this world.

I doubt the lottery people will even consider it. The higher the jackpot, the more people will gamble. £125 million is an unbelievable sum of money. If I were to win it, I honestly don't know what I would do with it all. I couldn't possibly spend it all (although I'm sure my girlfriend has other ideas !) and I think I'd give most of it away.

I think it's all a con anyway. They've seen how they can get people into a frenzy of ticket-buying when it rolls over week after week and it's great publicity for them. I bet it goes on for another couple of weeks yet. Of course, I'm unable to prove that it's a fix but let's not let logic spoil a beautiful conspiracy theory eh ?

Money makes the world go round, the world go round, the world go round.....