A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

When I rule the cinema

I love films. My local cinema has an unlimited card that you pay £10.99 a month for and you can see all the films you like. It's my best friend. As I go to the cinema much more than the average person, I have unfortunately come across some unbelievably anti-social behaviour by other patrons. Here are some examples -

1. People who wait until the film is starting to go to the toilet – you’ve just sat through 20 minutes of adverts and trailers and now you think about going to the toilet ? Is the new pretentious ad for a car you could never afford more important than the film you just paid £5.80 to see ? Or maybe it’s because you just wolfed down a large popcorn and a bucket of juice like you hadn’t eaten in days, although your girth would seem to suggest otherwise. Morons.

2. Kids who sneak in to disrupt– isn’t it just hilarious to sneak in the fire escape and run around shouting and spoiling the film for the people who actually paid to see it ? These kids are the burglars of tomorrow. I wouldn’t mind if they actually just sat down and watched the film but it seems to be more fun to be little pricks. They should operate a shoot-to-kill policy.

3. The seat-kickers – I’ve actually taken to sitting in the back row now whenever I can to avoid this. I can go through the 3 hours plus of King Kong without touching the seat in front of me once. I can cross my legs, uncross them, stretch out a bit to the side and still not touch the seat in front of me. Yet there are a plethora of spatially unaware fuckwits who can spend an entire 2 hours kicking and if you complain, they make it look like you’re the arsehole and then start up again.

4. The late-comers – it’s not all late-comers, just the ones who think they have the right to walk into a film 20 minutes after it’s started and fanny about choosing a seat. I have been late to a film once and I just plonked my arse down in the first free seat in the front row, so as not to disturb anyone else because of MY tardiness. You get these people standing in the middle of the staircase in the pitch black, sometimes talking at the top of their voices, before finally sloping back down to the front row that they passed coming in. If you don’t like sitting there, BE ON TIME. Muppets.

5. The talkers – I had to shush a couple in their 40’s the other day who had plainly just come in to have a natter. Cinema tickets are expensive. For the price of their admissions, they could have had a couple of drinks in the bar and caught up with each other, and I could have enjoyed my film in silence. Yet again, if you complain you are the arsehole.

6. The mobile phone users – how many times do they need to tell you that you’re not allowed to have your mobile phone on ? There are signs all over the lobby, 3 different warnings during the ads and trailers and people still think they’re just too important to obey the rules. If your life cannot function if you turn your phone off for a couple of hours, then I think you need to seek professional help.

7. The irresponsible parents - not unique to cinemas, also found in fast food restaurants. The ones that use it as free babysitting, who come in and let their children run riot, destroying things, spilling stuff and screaming and just sit at another table ignoring it all because they don't have to clean it up for once.

Of course, these are only a few examples but there are many. many more. Some people just shouldn't be allowed out in public. I don't understand how people can be so inconsiderate, like they have the right to misbehave just because they have paid for a ticket. It makes a person want to take up dismembering as a hobby.