A Mischief Of Magpies

If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and a Mischief of Magpies would be as small as a pea.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

How Not to get Banned from Woolworths

“I always say what I think.” she says. And so did he and her. It's the fashion. These days, apparently, everyone is saying what they think. What’s more, they’re informing us of their intention to do this before going on to unleash their promised enlightenment.

Take Channel 4’s Big Brother for example. A typical conversation between two housemates will go like this.

Twat 1: I always say what I think.

Twat 2: So do I. I always say what I think.

Twat 1: We have so much in common.

So what exactly is the point in saying what you think? And more to the point, shouldn’t we assume that people are saying what they are thinking without having to be told they’re going to first. It’s completely impractical to say something you’re not thinking anyway, and sort of a little fucking strange.

What you probably want to say to me now is. “Look you tosser, all they mean is they’re not afraid to say something to somebody that might offend them.”

Fair enough. But I think if you’re going to make a special point of announcing that you always say what you think, you do have to always do it. Always! You should be providing a continuous commentary of your every thought.

Walk up to old people and say “You’ve got dry skin and you’re going to die shortly.” Walk up to Tony Blair and say “Much as I enjoy slagging you and George Bush off after work in ‘All Bar One’ I don’t have the first clue about Politics.“ Walk into Woolworths and shout out loudly “It really is a bit shit in here really isn’t it!”

I think it would be best for everyone, if we didn’t commit ourselves into any particular pattern of saying things. It’s a lot easier all round and you wont get banned from Woolworths.

Not than anybody will miss me

I'm off as well. Just don't have the time. Cheers for the space.

(Can the blog owner remove me please ? I tried to do it myself but I can't seem to find the right setting).

The Miseducation of A Mischief of Magpies

It became blindingly clear to me in an epiphany last night why Clairwil left this blog and said that it came to lack purpose.

This blog sucks.

It's full of a bunch of overeducated, apparently underemployed individuals who obviously have nothing better to do than write these ridiculously deep and cryptic blog entries, likely understandable only to their self-congratulatory persons.

BOR-ring.

I have taken it upon myself to hijack this blog and entertain you with my bi-monthly posts (which requirement now makes it feel like homework; thank you, Blog Nazi). People want to be able to empathize with what's going on, to be able to see some of themselves in your words. Quite frankly, no one empathizes with a snake that ate an alligator.

So I will explain to you all the art of ranting about the every day occurance. I will teach you about things that are random and therefore cool. I will teach you about what really matters in life, like all the wonderful things you can find at Sephora. Because, really, you are nothing without a really great bronzer.

Welcome to the dollhouse, baby. Kick off your shoes before you come in.

-K.

Things My Husband Said To Me This Week

1. (after we had to put the new lawn mower on MY credit card) "Do you know what we need now? An edger and a weed whacker."

2. (after I used my mad couponing skillz to procure a year's worth of disposable razors, over $140 worth, for him) "Cool thanks, are we getting milk tonight on the way home?"

3. (after I got food poisoning from the incident in question) "You know what I think I'll treat us to when we get paid again? How about that fish fry we had last week?"

4. (admittedly, this one was told to me several months into our relationship) "Let's listen to this song...it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend."

I'm sure he doesn't do these things on purpose. Stupidity is rarely intentional. I have come to the conclusion that he occasionally and spontaneously forgets which planet we inhabit. I don't think I have enough street cred to use "daft," with you people, so someone please say it for me.

-K.