A Mischief Of Magpies

2007-10-25T14:24:00.001+01:00

pppppppppppppppppppppppfffffffffftttttttttttttttttttt

2007-09-20T03:36:00.001+01:00

Well, you can thank a very resilient ear infection for this post.

I have been laying low, taking it slow, enjoying pizza slices and football.

My family is terrific, handling it's growing pains with plenty of love, hugs and kisses.

My job is challenging but not insurmountable. I find it gratifying and interesting, I couldn't ask for more.

My Dr. gave me the next couple days off because this darn infection wont go away.

Anyway

There's this restaurant that I've been taking my dates to. The place is inexpensive and family orientated. A steak and a pitcher is under $25. The decor is decidedly Italian, split into a family dining area and a bar with a couple of booths its the first floor of a large old house. Recently the bar was remodeled with new seating and bar stools, paint job but the place was still warm dark cozy smelling of Italian marinara with sausage. The way the booth is set up you have to sit next to your date in a nice private corner. In front of you is a TV tuned to a game at low volume. The noise is amiable and your neighbors are close so the vibe is intimate from the get go. The service is really the best in the city the barman comes out and does his thing in under thirty seconds; in two minutes your sipping a drink, eating bread and looking at a menu, the man is a pro. The food is always on. If the conversation is lacking there is always the constant crowd to talk about, the TV, the food, etc. After a couple drinks I suggest a nightcap a my place less than a mile away and usually I'm able to complete the cliche wine her, dine her, sixty-niner. It's really simple. I think most guys forget these simple steps. Along with good conversation, smiles and eye contact it's a good date every time. Whether or not I decide to go on another one is questionable, who knows.

So I told an off color story to a room of folks about a recent time I got laid. One girl that I know in the room was like " yay, you got laid you want a medal" and everybody laughed assuming I told the story to let everyone how cool I was cause I was having sex. I had a big laugh with them at myself. Sometimes I really underestimate others and their perceptions, ones erotic observation is anothers proclamation of sexual activity ? whatever it's a blog.

To the Kid who got Tazed in Florida while talking to John Kerry, Dude good job but next time take a beta blocker or sedative to help with the anxiety. If you keep your cool and save the conspiracy questions for never, you would have been successful as hell at mining out John Kerry's pat answers to various obvious ???'s of wrong doing.

To the five airmen from an airforcebase out west who died in auto accidents and other un described ways, RIP. It sure is weird how these five guys died after allowing nukes to be flown over the US. If you look at the info the people who got killed where non-essential personnel, guards etc, not people who would load nukes or would have much to do with the payload, so it makes no sense why there would be a govt plot to kill them, its just a weird co incidence at this point. All these guys in there mid 20's die. 2 in motorcycle accidents, 1 unknown, 1 auto accident, 1 found in the woods dead. I used to live by an Air force base and have known many young Airmen and they all drive like maniacs so I'm not surprised but.....it don't set right

2007-07-24T05:01:00.000+01:00

Free Drugs!

2006-08-12T11:34:00.000+01:00

Well, not quite but you get a very trippy effect if you visit this site (via) and follow the instructions.

Far out, man.

Save the planet. Drink more beer

2006-08-12T09:59:00.000+01:00

Reflection.

When the next heatwave hits, enjoy a cool glass of beer dafe in the knowledge that beer bran, a by-product of brewing beer from barley, can be used to clean polluted waters.

Researchers at Kobe Pharmaceutical University in Japan have demonstrated that the bran adsorbs hazardous organic compounds including benzene and trichloroethylene (TCE) from chemical and industrial wastewater.

Since beer bran is readily available as a by-product of brewing, it is up to 100 times cheaper than the more commonly used carbon filters.

I'll drink to that!

Bastards.

2006-08-10T20:22:00.000+01:00

Well, it looks like our good friends in al-Quaida have decided to remind us of their presence.

Greaaaaaaaaaaaaat.

Now I have to endure, AGAIN, all the stupid idiots that run around in their gas-guzzling SUVs and whine about how we can't let them change our way of life, we can't let them scare us, because then they've won.

Um.

As long as I continue to be alive, I really think I'm the one that's won. So, yeah, I won't be flying anytime soon, and, no, I don't consider the terrorists to have "won" this round.

As long as I continue breathing, I'm think I'm pretty much on top of their game.

-K.

The Horror, The Horror!

2006-08-07T21:09:00.000+01:00

Since I buy most of my DVDs online these days, I get the occasional email from Amazon trying to sell me more.

The most recent one turned up today, announcing "££s off a huge selection of horror DVDs at Amazon.co.uk"

As you've previously bought horror DVDs from us, we wanted to let you know about some of the ghoulishly good new releases in Horror. Don't be scared off by our terrifyingly low prices.

This rather naff bit of text was followed by "Horrifying new and future releases", then "More horror DVDs" and "1000s more horror DVDs to choose from".

The final part of the email - titled "More horror" - included a link to this.

2006-08-02T21:04:00.000+01:00

My husband said I'm not girly.

I'm gonna kick his ass.

-K.

The Postcard Manifestos

2006-07-19T19:56:00.000+01:00

For reasons that may or may not become apparent in the fullness of time I want you to send a postcard to P Ryan 2 Blackfriars St, Glasgow, Scotland G11PE if you've ever secretly thought you should be in charge of the world. On the postcard I'd like you to list as few or as many reasons as you like that you and you alone should rule the world. I need your manifestos for something I'm building. You can remain anonymous if you like or stand up and be counted. Either way I want your manifestos.

Are You Serious?

2006-07-07T15:57:00.000+01:00

So I called Victoria's Secret to exchange/reorder some stuff, and I'm transferred to this guy. Who stutters. Uncontrollably.

Now, I'm all for equal opportunity employment and the Americans with Disability Act (can't discriminate for employment purposes based on any disability). But why, if you have an incessant stuttering problem, would you take a job in CUSTOMER SERVICE where you are on the phone ALL DAY???!?!??

That's like a quadriplegic going out for quarterback. It's great to dream, but some things just ain't gonna happen.

-K.

Things I Would Do if I Won the Lottery

2006-07-03T18:42:00.000+01:00

1. Keep my job, yet insist that everyone call me the Baroness Natascha.

2. Flood my boss' office and float swans in it.

3. Gold-plate people.

4. Send ugly people to the spa because I'm tired of looking at them.

5. Fly into work everyday in my new helocopter, have my butler order me lobster and caviar for lunch everyday. Vehemently deny that anything has changed.

6. Wear full-length ball gowns and only acknowledge people who address me in the formal manner of the Spanish court.

7. Speak with a British accent, then refuse to explain why. The Baroness Natascha answers to no one!

8. Buy Texas.

9. Sell Texas back to Mexico.

10. Stupid Texas. >:(

-K.

Celebrate the moment

2006-06-29T19:57:00.000+01:00

July 17th is non-photography day, which has been launched - ironically enough - by a photographer.

In an interview with the BBC's Culture Shock programme, Becca Bland who is organising the enterprise explained that she wants people to "put your camera down and appreciate the moment you are in".

"When you simply take photos of something, without fully engaging with it, you're assuming that all you can have and take is the actual appearance of a place - rather than other creative factors that exist in the place," Ms Bland said.

She then goes on to talk about Buddhism and putting a frame around things. But, leaving that aside, I think the idea is a good one.

Whenever we go anywhere it's far too easy - expected even - that we will take a stack of photos of the sights rather than actually look at them. This is something that first struck me about five years ago while on holiday in Egypt. At one point we found ourselves faced with a spectacular view overlooking the three pyramids of Giza. After trying, unsuccessfully, to capture all three pyramids in a single shot I realised that I'd done no more than glance at the view before spending far too much time faffing around with the camera.

I took very few photos for the rest of that holiday. I don't have a photo of either the pyramids or the Sphinx but I did have a fantastic time and still have plenty of great memories.

The only real complaint I have about this campaign is that July 17th is a Monday. So the chances are that I won't be in a position to be celebrating anything.

You're my destiny, can't you see my baby

2006-06-29T17:05:00.000+01:00

I know what happened to Tony Dowding from Bad Boys Inc (he's the third from the left in that pic).

He's now modelling and is represented by Ugly Agency.
Looks like he also does voiceovers and acting.

I am astounded that I knew who he was from a tiny thumbnail.
See? I was a huge BBI fan.
(I have all their singles and their album, you know).

*Starts singing 'Walking on air'*

Scared

2006-06-20T22:05:00.000+01:00

scared cat
Originally uploaded by gumby 05.

Why why why why WHY does my animal life companion always get freaked out when I'm watching Most Haunted?
And why does that in turn always freak me out too?

Wet Celebs

2006-06-09T19:56:00.000+01:00

I was going to post this yesterday, but Blogger appears to be suffering from a few glitches at the moment. But better late than never...

Heath Ledger was reduced to tears after being squirted with water at a film premiere.

The actor was attending the Australian premiere of the Oscar-winning Brokeback Mountain earlier this year when he was targeted by the paparazzi bearing water pistols, reportedly in response to the actor's uncooperative behaviour of the set of the film Candy.

Just to clarify here, I'm not condoning a bunch of paprazzi squirting young Mister Ledger, and neither am I suggesting that squiring celebs is necessarily a good idea. On the other hand, we are talking about a water pistol here.

Kim Ledger claims that the incident resulted in his son immediately abandoning his homeland. "Heath had to go into the cinema and introduce that film soaking wet," Kim Ledger told the Sydney Daily Telegraph. "He cried all night. He rang me and said, 'Dad, that's it. Sell the house'.

Someone has things a little out of proportion, methinks.

Things that annoyed me this week.

2006-06-06T22:34:00.000+01:00

1) Finding out that they now PAY kids to stay on at school. If they do A-Levels, instead of earning their pocket money like the rest of us had to do by stacking shelves in supermarkets, dragging our gangly teenage corpses out of bed at the crack of dawn to do paper rounds and babysitting the hellspawn that lived two doors down, they now just get paid £30 a week.
Bastards!
Anyway, who is going to be doing all the paper rounds and stacking all the shelves now?
It's going to be the pensioners, isn't it because they can't afford to live otherwise.
Does anyone else think this is a bit messed up?
At least the kids have the ABILITY for all the lugging of papers and bending for shelf stacking....

2) Drivers who sit in the middle of dual carriageway A roads waving for pedestrians to cross in front of them when the pedestrian obviously didn't mind waiting to cross the side road they were turning into.
YOU'RE STOPPED ON A FUCKING A ROAD, YOU MORON!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???
Don't stop to let me saunter across the road or you'll get a juggernaut up your boot!
Stupid cretins.

3) Grace from Big Brother. Just her face appearing on the screen is enough to turn me into a raging Hulk-like figure. I almost wish I had a golden ticket JUST so I could go in there, call her a cunt and punch her in the smug-looking face.
Hard.
Repeatedly.
SHUT UP YOU CONTRADICTORY, EVIL COW!
God, I hate dancers.

*takes deep breath and counts to ten*
Aaaaaand relax.

whas' up apollo ?!?!

2006-06-04T23:43:00.000+01:00

Most of the time, perception is erroneous.

Only under the most perfect of situations do I think undertanding, true perception, is possible.

For this to occur, I need to see you in the flesh, look in to your eyes, and listen to the answers to my questions. Even this is tricky.

Rarely do people sit face to face.

Eyes closed is the only way I can communicate with my body, listening. My body has a language of it's own to communicate with the rational, writing, part that refuses to believe it doesn't exist.

To guess what is going on is to worry, to decide not to perceive anything, unless you will it, is true magic.

If I had more time, I'd wrap this thought in a pretty story.

Hello, hello ... is there anyone there ...?

2006-05-30T08:13:00.000+01:00

I feel as though I have just woken up on the Mary Celeste. Everytime I take a look at this site all I see is the splash from some-one jumping overboard. Did I miss something? Was there a huge row? Has some-one insulted some-one else? I mean, I just hate being left in the dark, so, please, tell me what's going on!

Brief Encounter Redux

2006-05-28T13:03:00.000+01:00

To the strains of Rachmaninov, over a cuppa in Carnforth Station.

"Sorry, love, got to go."

This blog's going in directions I can't follow. Good luck to you, but would whoever's admin these days please dissociate me. Cheers.

The Da Vinci Cappuccino

2006-05-21T16:32:00.000+01:00

Jesus on coffee.

This photo from Flickr was too good to ignore.

Is it Jesus or the Mona Lisa? Either way, it's a damn sight more interesting than the film.

The Ill Man Is Outahere

2006-05-19T13:57:00.001+01:00

Cheers and all that. Have fun with the blog and try not to break anything, eh?

Blog Of The Week is this chap

Have a fine weekend and remember to post what you bally well want, ok?

Bye!

metaphysics

2006-05-19T13:36:00.000+01:00

If you do the same thing day after day you will stay the same as you are right now. Changing the smallest detail could send you spinning into an infinity of possibility. And if your operating on auto-pilot most of the time, where or from who did you learn these programs ? It could be as simple as turning of your TV/computer and taking a walk.

So, who knows what can happen when you plot a route for the horizon as opposed to walking in a circle contemplating pi. Throw your maps out the window, they are not the territory, and listen to what is going on around you. You might go from contemplating the end of time to having a really, really, good time.

Never Mind The Buzzcocks here's The Village People

2006-05-18T13:16:00.000+01:00

Wow, doesn't Phil Jupitus look good these days!
Ha ha.
(It's not, it's Britney Spears and some random chap who she probably employs as a personal bodyguard who obviously thinks he's a detective from a 70s cop show.) Picture found via Dlisted.)

The European Parliament should be located in Brussels

2006-05-16T22:06:00.000+01:00

It costs European taxpayers approximately 200 million euros a year to move the Parliament between Brussels/Belgium and Strasbourg/France. As a citizen of the European Union, I want the European Parliament to be located only in Brussels.

If you agree, sign the petition

(via Baron Howells of teh Internets)

How Not to get Banned from Woolworths

2006-05-14T21:17:00.000+01:00

“I always say what I think.” she says. And so did he and her. It's the fashion. These days, apparently, everyone is saying what they think. What’s more, they’re informing us of their intention to do this before going on to unleash their promised enlightenment.

Take Channel 4’s Big Brother for example. A typical conversation between two housemates will go like this.

Twat 1: I always say what I think.

Twat 2: So do I. I always say what I think.

Twat 1: We have so much in common.

So what exactly is the point in saying what you think? And more to the point, shouldn’t we assume that people are saying what they are thinking without having to be told they’re going to first. It’s completely impractical to say something you’re not thinking anyway, and sort of a little fucking strange.

What you probably want to say to me now is. “Look you tosser, all they mean is they’re not afraid to say something to somebody that might offend them.”

Fair enough. But I think if you’re going to make a special point of announcing that you always say what you think, you do have to always do it. Always! You should be providing a continuous commentary of your every thought.

Walk up to old people and say “You’ve got dry skin and you’re going to die shortly.” Walk up to Tony Blair and say “Much as I enjoy slagging you and George Bush off after work in ‘All Bar One’ I don’t have the first clue about Politics.“ Walk into Woolworths and shout out loudly “It really is a bit shit in here really isn’t it!”

I think it would be best for everyone, if we didn’t commit ourselves into any particular pattern of saying things. It’s a lot easier all round and you wont get banned from Woolworths.

Not than anybody will miss me

2006-05-14T19:22:00.000+01:00

I'm off as well. Just don't have the time. Cheers for the space.

(Can the blog owner remove me please ? I tried to do it myself but I can't seem to find the right setting).

The Miseducation of A Mischief of Magpies

2006-05-14T14:46:00.000+01:00

It became blindingly clear to me in an epiphany last night why Clairwil left this blog and said that it came to lack purpose.

This blog sucks.

It's full of a bunch of overeducated, apparently underemployed individuals who obviously have nothing better to do than write these ridiculously deep and cryptic blog entries, likely understandable only to their self-congratulatory persons.

BOR-ring.

I have taken it upon myself to hijack this blog and entertain you with my bi-monthly posts (which requirement now makes it feel like homework; thank you, Blog Nazi). People want to be able to empathize with what's going on, to be able to see some of themselves in your words. Quite frankly, no one empathizes with a snake that ate an alligator.

So I will explain to you all the art of ranting about the every day occurance. I will teach you about things that are random and therefore cool. I will teach you about what really matters in life, like all the wonderful things you can find at Sephora. Because, really, you are nothing without a really great bronzer.

Welcome to the dollhouse, baby. Kick off your shoes before you come in.

-K.

Things My Husband Said To Me This Week

2006-05-14T00:54:00.000+01:00

1. (after we had to put the new lawn mower on MY credit card) "Do you know what we need now? An edger and a weed whacker."

2. (after I used my mad couponing skillz to procure a year's worth of disposable razors, over $140 worth, for him) "Cool thanks, are we getting milk tonight on the way home?"

3. (after I got food poisoning from the incident in question) "You know what I think I'll treat us to when we get paid again? How about that fish fry we had last week?"

4. (admittedly, this one was told to me several months into our relationship) "Let's listen to this song...it reminds me of my ex-girlfriend."

I'm sure he doesn't do these things on purpose. Stupidity is rarely intentional. I have come to the conclusion that he occasionally and spontaneously forgets which planet we inhabit. I don't think I have enough street cred to use "daft," with you people, so someone please say it for me.

-K.

A Spot Of Indigestion Sir?

2006-05-13T22:29:00.000+01:00

Big snakes in the Everglades have been known to down the odd juvenile gator apparently, but I think our limbless chum here got his portion control all wrong on this one.

Puts me in mind of this chap.

Love Sub

2006-05-12T04:14:00.000+01:00

I am at the helm of my pimpin submarine. Funk music pumps after the morning joint and yoga session. Every surface is covered in plush leather, chrome fixtures, the finest engineering, I made a deal with bill gates to lend him my engineers to build his sub.

After a trip around the world the crew and I have decided that things aren't so bad in the USA. On our most recent visit to the middle east the women have a new acesserory, the stylish m-14a automatic assault rifle, " hay,bebe, nice piece" , Sure we rob and plunder with gold reaching twenty year highs of 725+ and the euro and pound gaining nearly a dime on the dollar. Who wouldn't try to get their hands on the yellow stuff. The federal reserve announced that they will no longer publish the amount of dollars in circulation.

This is HUGE financial news. In only seven months the price of gold has nearly doubled. The boat was sinking so we got a gold funk sub. With the dollar losing unprecedented ground everyday, the rich like me, get richer and the poor, we'll they definitely don't have a funk sub. The thing that makes me wonder is how the national media isn't making a big deal of this. It's probably one of the biggest, fastest pushes of inflation we've seen since the great depression. The funny thing is that nobody understands, probably 1 in twenty people I talk to about this subject are knowledgeable enough to even have an opinion. Most people look at me and agree and hope I'll move on or they make it known they don't GAF. On the funk sub only one currency rules, love babies, love.

End Of An Era

2006-05-08T21:53:00.000+01:00

God how I hate that term, but it seems most apt.

A hearty cheer then for our departing/departed blog mistress Clairwil..... The place will absolutely not be the same without her. I'm sure you'll all join me in wishing her all the best though and hope she pops by the odd time to check we aren't sending the place to the dogs............

As far as the day to day running of the blog goes, the only immediate difference is that Blog Of The Week will become 'Blog Of The Fortnight'. Unless all you lovely people can furnish me with some suggestions. A quick look at your sidebars should be enough to get the ball rolling. Please email me your favourite blogs or any new ones you tumble across in the course of your blog wanderings.

If any of the less frequent posters(by that I mean those who haven't posted since Christ was a cowboy) are reading this, I shall be emailing you to see if you are still interested in making at least a few posts a month. Otherwise it's a case of getting some new faces in.

Cheers

Your Happy Little Admin Monkey 'Ill Man'

Sunday

2006-05-08T02:31:00.000+01:00

Today, ahh, today continues to be a good day, sated, excited and exacerbating the situation. Refraing from masturbation, I slept in this morning tel' about nine. The machinations of the clock told me I slept for eleven hours. Damnation, I must have needed the rest.

I made it to the gym for a paltry half hour before picking up my daughters from their mothers. Q was having a party and a lot of her friends where at the house. I felt uncomfortable, judged. I realize this is my interpretation. A couple of her girlfriends said hello to me and were polite. Q and I are 90% friendly. I keep her at arms distance and don't offer information. I still have to hang up on her from time to time when she gets enraged and starts spiting fuck you's and mother fuckers. I am confirmed every time I see her. Confirmed, that I made the right decision for me and my kids.

I took both of my daughters to the ringling brothers circus. They had a good time and I really enjoyed myself for the fist two hours. It was truly a pro-show. Lions, zebras, and, elephants oh my. I resisted the cotton candy and twirling lights, snow cones, lemonade drinks, and fried dough. I brought water and a bag of life cereal. My youngest really wanted some popcorn and my oldest asked for nothing, happy with the cereal and water. I had loaded them up to capicity earlier in the day with ice cream and lollipops. We met a friend of mine at the circus and had a good time, she brought her daughter.

When I got home after the circus my next door neighbor asked me come over after she saw me in my bedroom window. She asked if I could help her get a branch of her cable line. After I was done. She said thanks and I said that I liked her top. She picked up her digi and asked me to take a picture of what I saw, so I did.

yup. Been a good day so far

Clairwil Has Just Left The Building.......

2006-05-07T23:18:00.000+01:00

Hello,
Bit of a unique BOTW today in that it includes a resignation. As of today I shall no longer have any involvement in the mischief. When it started out I hoped it would both be a good blog in it's own right and a way for people to promote their own blogs, but instead I find myself wondering what the point was. That is not to say that I haven't been impressed with many of the contributions and contributors here but I have not achieved what I hoped to here.

There are a number of things in my own life that I want to concentrate on and The Mischief has begun to feel like more and more of a thankless task. I hope one or more of you will be able to make a better fist of it than I have. It would seem that I'm not one of life's organisers.

Anyway here are the winners

In first place - The Curmudgeon

In Second Place Tabloid Whore and last but by no means least the marvellous Miss Snark.

Well it's my leaving post and I'll shamelessly behave dictatorially if I want to so this week's winner chosen by me and me alone is Angus .

Cheerio and best of luck.

Egg, meet face

2006-05-03T20:47:00.000+01:00

thedog.

My last post here was a bit of a sneer at people who don't take their online privacy seriously enough, making themselves easy targers for spammers, phishers and the like. But maybe it's possible to take your online security a little too seriously.

I have a dog. She's a German Shepherd. And we recently discovered that she sufferes from chronic superficial keratitis, a genetic eye disorder which if left untreated can lead to blindness. The vet prescribed a cream that needs to be put in her eye twice a day and - since the disease is exacerbated by ultraviolet light - she also reccomended that we buy some sunglasses for the dog to protect her eyes when we're outside.

It isn't easy finding shades for a hound, but we did eventually locate a pet products website that was able to supply us with a pair of doggles.

They take PayPal. I have a PayPal account. So no problems there, and the doggles were duly ordered.

And then nothing. And nothing. And still nothing.

Eventually, after about a week, I decided to look at my PayPal account to see if any money had been taken out of it. What I discovered was that, because Pet Essentials is a US based firm, there is an additional shipping cost which PayPal was waiting for me to approve.

So for all those PayPal emails that I'd deleted without opening on the assumption that they were either spam or phishes... Oops.

I still don't click on links in HTML emails, but I have learned that assuming that an email received just after I've used the account is spam isn't necessarily the cleverest thing to do.

You, you...Wotsit thrower, you!

2006-05-03T19:01:00.000+01:00

Hilary Buckland, 46, chucked a cheesy Wotsit out her car window and found herself fined 75 quid for her trouble.

Are Wotsits biodegradable? Probably not, by the looks of them.

Okay, so the 'council official' who caught her thought it was a cigarette butt. Even so, these environmental wardens are a bit keen sometimes...

I've seen them hiding, watching smokers to see what they do with their fag ends. One woman I know dropped her fag butt on the ground beside a bin - by accident, she dropped it as she was trying to stub it out - and they pounced on her with a 50 pounds fine.

How come they never seem to fine the folk who gob chewing gum or great wads of phlegm onto the streets?

Blog Of The Week

2006-05-01T21:41:00.000+01:00

No winners to announce from last week, so i'll just get straight to the point and announce this weeks nominees.

Tabloid Whore - Hollywood scandal blog. Tabloid Whore reads The Enquirer and other scandal rags so you dear reader don't have to...................Say thankyou.

The Curmudgeon - Current affairs blog. Some of you will be familiar with Philip Challinor's musings (just going by his links list) but i've only recently stumbled upon it. Check out his 'Satanic Supplement' for some interesting new definitions of some familiar terms.

Miss Snark, The Literary Agent - er..........advice blog? Odd one this. Quite funny, and that's just the bizarre questions people ask. Miss Snark dispenses her wisdom along the way and on a few occassions demonstrates she's also not afraid to to be brutally honest with those who ask for it.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Please Start Your Voting.

I wear a ring

2006-04-29T02:10:00.000+01:00

I wear a ring on the index finger of my right hand. It's made from fine white gold and is square on the top. There are four boxes representing the four levels; survival, beliefs, sex, and at the peak a diamond representing how we are all united as one as brothers. At least that's what the jabber-jawed meth freak told me as akaloid sweat poured from him to the poker table. I told him that'd cover it. Tony the nail salon owner threw in his sweet smith and Wesson .357 Magnum. It was heavy and black with a polished oak grip the barrel vented for accuracy. The last card, I had a royal flush. The second royal flush in a lifetime.

The first time as a child sitting around the table while my father and grandmothers boyfriend drank beer and smoked. The bet was a dollar as high as it had ever been and I had drawn four. Being new to the game of poker as a eight year old I didn't recognize the royal flush and folded my hand, my step father looked at my cards and laughed and said. "don't you know that you had a royal flush" as he raked in the pot of three bucks on his measly pair.

This time I knew what I had. The streak of a lifetime; I walked away with $16,000 cash, a .357 magnum, and a sweet sweet ring that's on my finger as I type this. Don't worry my ex-wife has the pistol.

Keeping Things Moving

2006-04-26T23:20:00.000+01:00

All quiet tonight, so i'll just take the chance to punt the Mischief Idol feature again. Very much an underused and little known part of the blog, it gives non contributing regulars or anyone passing through a chance to make their mark at The Mischief.

Go on, don't be shy.......................

Cheers!

ill man

Would I Be Right In Saying He Likes His Sweeties?

2006-04-25T21:48:00.000+01:00

Found this story over at The Beautiful Rush. Cheers Johnny.

I'm sure a few of you will have had your fair share of adventures with MDMA over the years, though not quite to this extreme i'll wager.

His consumption appears to have got as high as 25 a day and i'd imagine he's built up a quite gargantuan resistance to the stuff. His brain must be like fucking casserolle though.

The first man to donate his body to science whilst still alive?

Blog Of The Week- The Results

2006-04-24T22:02:00.000+01:00

Hello,

Lets fire a few rounds of bullets into the air!
We have a decisive victory for Blunt Cogs, the silver medal goes to Manuel Stimulation and the bronze goes to good, old Blind Winger Jones .

Well done to all of you. No vote this week because I haven't had the time and will be away for the next two days staying in a Spa hotel. To nominate for next week click here.

Cheerio

'Mon the tapirs !

2006-04-23T19:50:00.000+01:00

Is it just me who is fed up with the dull and predictable news in Britain these days ? The Queen gets even older, the price of petrol goes up and Cherie Blair spends way too much money on a hairdo (not that you'd know to look at her). Snooze-fest.

We should take a tip from our friends in Costa Rica who had this amusing story about a government minister who was lost in the jungle. Turns out he pissed off a normally docile tapir and got bitten for his troubles.

Maybe we could send some of our politicians over to Costa Rica. Mind you, it might be cheaper to hire a couple of tapirs and let them loose in the House of Commons. Now that would be newsworthy !

No Spitting In The Burgers Please

2006-04-22T17:59:00.000+01:00

Hi

Ever wanted to run McDonalds into the ground? You can now with this rather fiendish little game (link courtesy of Bored Athenians)

Have A Nice Day!

This Interwebnet Thingy

2006-04-21T09:30:00.000+01:00

Now, here we are again. This is beginning to become a bit of a habit, isn't it? It makes you wonder what people did when they had lives, instead of the internet*. Not to worry though, it will not be that long until we all have the internet wired directly into our brains and then we can give up all this tiresome business of having to lug our big superfluous bodies to and from the computer.

Anyway, all that is far into the future, unlikely to happen for the next two or three weeks at least, which still leaves us with plenty of sandwiches to make. It also gives us time to do many of the ruder things we have always wanted to do with our bodies, that is while we still have them.

So, if you have always wanted to smear your naked body with low fat cream cheese spread and then go out and rub yourself all over a traffic warden, now is the time to do it. If you have ever felt an almost uncontrollable need to engage in religious dialogue with a semi-naked Jehovah's Pervert who is buttering scones and half-watching the shopping channel on TV while you encase yourself in a human-sized jelly mould filled with cold baked beans, then perhaps now is the time to begin making the arrangements.

Well, perhaps not quite yet, as you still have a handful of links to click on, or a few RSS feeds left unread, and there is that email you ought to answer, and….

*But only briefly, there are so many links these days and just too little time.

Not too sure about this one...

2006-04-21T09:16:00.000+01:00

When I was at school, in the sheltered suburbs of Edinburgh, I came out as bisexual.

I was sixteen.

It took less than one day for the entire school to know.

People shouted "Dyke!" and "Lezzy!" and other deeply intelligent remarks wherever I went. They crossed to the other side of the corridors when I walked past, in case they 'caught' it. They spat on me from the top of stairwells.

Do you know how hard a mouthful of gob lands on you coming from up high?

They even threw lemon coloured Opal Fruits (Starburst now) at me.

Nothing could be done about it. Section 28 was in place at the time, and teachers refused to discuss my sexuality with me, or the discrimination I was facing as a result. Section 28 has since been scrapped.

Eventually the idiots got bored of me and moved on to torture someone else.

School is a nasty place. The idea of taking a large number of vastly different people, closing them in together in a pen, teaching them things that they're unlikely to ever need in their lives as adults and refusing to police the inevitable situations that arise seems like madness to me.

Which is why I was sort of pleased to read that a court in California has ruled against gay bashing T-shirts.

The T-shirt in question had "Be Ashamed, Our School Embraced What God Has Condemned" on the front and "Homosexuality Is Shamefull" on the back.

The lawyers for the student whose T-shirt it is, claim that being forced to stop wearing it infringes on their client's religious rights.

Whatever. It was only a T-shirt. Banning it will not make the prejudice go away. I see why they reached this verdict, that for it to be worn in class was distracting to say the least, and creating a hostile environment...but all the ban has done is create a martyr for Christianity's fundementalists.

Which is exactly what the student - who wore it in protest of a tolerance day and challenged the school to suspend him over it twice - wanted to achieve.

With thanks to Feministe.

2006-04-20T23:20:00.000+01:00

Hello,

The lazy articles that rule this site, clearly can't be arsed this week. Why not fill up some space for them?

Cheerio

Good God! A Fraudulent Psychic!

2006-04-18T22:46:00.000+01:00

Hello,

Some time ago on my own blog I posted about a frankly bizarre e-mail I received after foolishly entering my details on a website offering free horoscopes during a moment of boredom.
I'm shocked to have to tell you all that this so-called psychic is a FRAUD! I know, I know I can hardly believe it myself. Next thing I'll find I've wasted my money replying to these e-mails offering me a big penis at a bargain price.

Naturally I smelt a rat and didn't take her up on her generous offers to transform my life for a bargain price. Unfortunately some poor bastards have sent 'psychic' Sara Freder cash for a startlingly ugly photograph, some trinkets and the same mystical bollocks she sends all of her dupes. On the one hand I can understand why someone would go into business defrauding gullible people and I must confess I'm slightly jealous I didn't think of it first. On the other the shoddiness of the whole thing irritates me 'send me money or bad stuff will happen'. It's pathetic and slightly sick. I was pondering e-mailing her to ask why if she had certain knowledge that I was in danger, she was charging me money for her help knowing full well I was skint. That strikes me as mean.

I'm feeling a bit Watchdog this evening which is why I've decided to add this post to the others denouncing this chancer. Of course there's no chance any of this will put her out of business, I'm sure a clairvoyant of her abilities will have seen it all coming and set up a brand new scam.

Cheerio

Blog Of The Week

2006-04-16T20:24:00.001+01:00

Evening all. Yes, it's that time of the week again. Time to look into the sealed cage in which our three Gladiatorial BOTW nominees have been locked all week and find out which one is still living. In third place, squashed to an unrecognisable pulp in the corner we have the rather fine Glitter For Brains. Pity that. In second, bloodied and barely standing we have Pickled Politics and this weeks victor, still swearing like a navvy and with marginally fewer flesh wounds than the rest we have El Barbudo. A grand show by all. Now throw them to the lions and bring on the next bunch...............

First up we have...........

Blunt Cogs - Courtesy of this weeks winner El Barbudo.
It's a cartoon group blog and mighty funny it is too, using and abusing a South Park character generator to great effect. Plenty of gratuitous swearing, senseless violence and blasphemy for all the family to enjoy. El B, Sarah, Kim, Monstee and co are waiting for you................(with machetes and machine guns, naturally.............)

The Shrine Of The Blind Winger Jones - Thanks this time go to David Duff for unearthing this gem of a blog. So who is The Blind Winger Jones and what is his mission on the interwebs? I won't even begin to try and explain. From the Shrine itself.....

"The virtual shrine, of the actual shrine of the legendary dead footballer and Stone-Age Methodist, Jones the Blind-Winger of Sootfield. Despite being born without a functioning eye between him he bestrode the Pennines with his neatly oiled side parting, and a gay feint, that bamboozled even the sharpest-witted full-back. He now speaks to us using the power of spiritual mentalism and the interweb."

........and in his own words
"Just a regular dead Edwardian footballer communicating through the power of spiritual mentalism."

There, that should clear things up a bit.

And finally folks I give you Manuel Stimulation. An 'Especial Agent For Spain', currently operating in Ireland, Manuel Estimulo is 'Everyones Favourite Fascist' according to his tag line and who am I to argue? Not sure who's behind this, but the links list and writing style had me wondering..................

Anyway, enough of the pointless speculation. It's laugh aloud funny and that's all that matters.

VOTE NOW!!!

Yeah, I got nothing

2006-04-14T21:16:00.000+01:00

To Vote Or Not To Vote - Is That The Question?

2006-04-13T23:46:00.000+01:00

Those of us who live south of the border are faced with the prospect of local elections. The blogs I've read on the subject make it seem like a doom-laden choice - this writer provides an exhaustice list of 47 reasons not to vote Labour, and then excoriates the other parties, before advocating a campaign of 'none of the above' rubber stamps'. This writer replies, suggesting boycotting the elections completely on the basis that at least that way, they won't be able to claim a real mandate. Finally, this writer weighs up the previous options, and declares the decision to be 'between a rock and a hard place', before eventually advocating spoiling so that politicians can't force compulsory voting on us.

I think this has been a particularly well-argued debate, and it demonstrates more than adequately the problem that the New Labour project has given those of the centre left. Where, after all, is there to go? Labour has given us a horrific distortion of a nanny state (as if the concept weren't horrific enough to begin with) - its increasingly totalitarian nature, its determination to spy upon its own citizenry, the chutzpah to presume to lecture people from on high about the minutiae of their daily lives, and its increasing use of the violence of the state to intrude upon those lives.

All of these are compelling reasons not to vote Labour. What of the Conservatives? Well, all three of these writers reject them, implicitly or explicitly, as too right wing. It's important, though, to remember that we are talking about local elections. If the ruling party is just too awful to vote for, as in this case they are, then it makes sense to give them a bloody nose locally by not voting for them in order to force the national leadership to have a rethink. However, if the Conservatives were to do well in these local elections, fewer people would take it as praise for them nationally than as criticism of Labour. That said, Conservative local councils can be a nightmare. They inevitably spend vast amounts of time on moralising, and little on services (incidentally, fascinating postscript to that story - Westminster has the worst record for people killed or injured in road accidents anyway). Anyway, the national party doesn't even appear to know what it stands for yet, so what would you be voting for?

The Liberal Democrats are a fairly poor option. They fashion themselves as a party of local government, but in reality the quality of their service varies greatly from place to place. Yet again, they don't seem to know what they stand for.

As for the rest, they're all crap.

Having dismissed all the main parties, and all the minor ones too, would seem to leave only spoiling or boycotting. I sincerely advocate spoiling, if you can't bring yourself to vote for any of the parties. I think it's crucial to participate, just to keep the democratic process alive.

A small point of order - in this piece, the writer states the following:

'The horrible truth is that neither accomplish very much - it’s not as if when more people spoil their vote than the “winning” candidate gets, or turnout is below a quorum level, a ward or constituency does not return a representative (maybe such rules should apply, I don’t see a good reason not to).'

A government is for all its people not just its electors. The same is true on a council. However, the reality is that both governments and councillors prefer their electors, which is why it is crucial that all constituencies and wards return members, which theoretically covers both bases - in most councils, all the major parties are represented, so ideologically you are covered, and you are theoretically covered by your representative's unwritten contract with their electorate.

Shopping

2006-04-13T15:45:00.000+01:00

For ages now I've been wanting to give my dress sense an overhaul.

I mean, I've been wandering around in long hippie skirts since I was 14, for god's sake.

And it's not like it's easy to find long skirts for someone of my height, anyway. I've usually got to buy two and stitch them together to make one that's long enough.

Sure, lots of shops have Tall sections now, but those hardly ever have skirts in them, and when they do, even they aren't long enough.

They have loads of trousers, which has always pissed me off. I'm quite a big lassie, and trousers tend to make me look a bit mannish.

Today I went shopping, and instead of letting the lack of choice wind me up, I remembered my desire to change my image, took a deep breath, and bought trousers.

Fuck me but they look quite good if I do say so myself.

What with having long hair now I don't look mannish at all.

And the entire reason I have written this immensley shallow and me-centred post, is so I can ask you all:

What is with those bloody shorts that are everywhere just now?

21st Century Man And The 'Peak Oil' Bell Curve

2006-04-12T22:55:00.000+01:00

Rob Newman popped up on my tv screen tonight. A welcome sight he was too. He's looking well. Sort of. Haven't seen hide nor hair of him since his nineties partnership with David Baddiel, though I hear he's an author of some note now. I don't read as much as I ought to so that one obviously passed me by. Anyway, he has a new thing. 'Rob Newman's History Of Oil', a one off show before a live audience, intercut with the odd sketch to make a point or lighten the mood. Boy, does the mood need lightening. According to the theory of 'Peak Oil' we're all shafted. There would also seem to be more than a little truth in the allegation that the whole 'Axis Of Evil'/Iraq War thing was conjured up because certain oil producing nations took a fancy to Euro's rather than Dollars. Anyway, don't know where and when it will be repeated but you might see it on Channel 4 after it's initial digital outing. Then again, you might not.......................

Get Some !!!!

2006-04-11T04:36:00.000+01:00

It's really the best humor,

You know, when you can see things

from a different point of view.

Blog Of The Week.

2006-04-10T20:38:00.000+01:00

Hello,

Uncork the champagne and throw a hat in the air, it's blog of the week time!

This weeks winner is The World According To Rob DAMMIT!

In second place we have good old Oblong Scone

and last but not least Bored Athenians.

Well done everyone.

I've only had one nomination this week- thankyou Pam, so I've had to raid my sidebar for the other two. You can nominate by clicking here and you don't have to be a member of the Mischief to do so. If anyone reading this would be interested in writing for the Mischief please click here for details.

First up we have Glitter For Brains a blog written by a fellow who saucily describes himself as a choking hazard and is very, very funny.

Next up we have the fantastic Pickled Politics an Asian group blog concentrating mainly on news and current affairs. Never boring and one I highly recommend.

Finally I have decided to nominate El Barbudo and yes I am aware he's thrown in the towel however he's very kindly left behind a splended archive so you can relive the good times or see what you missed.

Now get voting.

Girls Gone Wild

2006-04-07T13:34:00.000+01:00

Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization
The girls were put through an intensive recovery program and, over several weeks, slowly phased back into civilized behavior. Trainers gently conditioned them not only to reduce breast baring, but also to shower alone instead of in pairs or threesomes, and to drink from glasses rather than from each other's navels.

Crescendo

2006-04-07T02:50:00.000+01:00

3/30/06

Life is stranger than fiction. The following words seem to be a string of convenient lies, not the truth. I am in the middle of getting a separation from my wife, finding a new job, and settling in at a new apartment.

Q came back from her vacation out west determined to make a change. From the second she came in the front door she was full of hate for a supposed house that smelled of pot. This being impossible, it was scented candles. She screamed how I ruin every homecoming.

Coming down from the lovely high that I had indulged in only hours before, body wracked for sleep, endorphins and nerves leaving me twitchy and calm, I knew it was time for me to leave.

She issued the ultimatum pot or her. I hate ultimatums. The crushing weight of imposed control affects me very negatively. I am in control of me and to bow to yet another ultimatum only to bend it back with lies and deceit is more than I can handle. So, yes, I smoke pot and don’t want to stop. If I did, I could, would and would be happy about it. If I choose to stop smoking it will be my decision and irregardless of outside influence. I told her it was time to leave.

The spell was broken. I no longer in love with Q. This has probably been true at some level for a long time. The black ties that bound me were cut while I sleep and dream. Out of respect for me and my family it was time to leave.

So, I did. Things have fallen into place and some details are proving sticky. However, on overall things are much better being free of her and her neurosis. I hope that it will be better for the kids.

Having grown up in a family where my parents were normally arguing, fighting, feeling unloved maybe even hated by my step-father I don’t want this for my children. It’s as if I was programmed to live out the same dynamic that my family had when I was growing up. The rage over stupid minor details, the anger, hate, resentment all of which was being repeated with my children and wife. I searched out a mate who was capable of resenting me. Only finding satisfaction of self when she would throw a scrap of affection or a compliment my way, like a child.

No longer will I help in the abuse of my children. No longer will I feel trapped as Q tells me that.

“I don’t love you, I don’t know if I ever did”
“I want a divorce “
“I hate you “
“I don’t like you”
“Your such a fucking asshole “
“I don’t respect you “
And the list could roll on and on.

Q would say that I left, abandoned the family for wine, women, and song. She would say that I refused to give up my felonious activities, that I disrespected her and our family by naked, drunken, disregard. The dark humor that both perspectives, mine and hers, is correct in some sense haunts me.

My motorcycle was towed today form a spot that is yes, illegal, but I have been parking there for years. I am at a lack of words for how angry I was. I was so angry I went to the garage where the bike was and got on and rode away. I’d be damned if I was going to pay those vulture, scumbag, motherfuckers a penny. Well, a little later the cops show up at my house. Oops, the cop told me to go pay or he would have me arrested. So, I paid the hundred bucks. So frustrating is about a tenth of what I feel. Time to let it go.

I have a job interview today after noon and a weekend of fun lined up, wish me luck.

Stupid people and online safety

2006-04-06T17:50:00.000+01:00

Most people with an internet connection will eventually get at least one email purporting to be from a bank or other online service that asks you to click on a link and enter your financial details. The link, of course, takes you to a bogus web site that captures your details so that they can be used to empty your bank account.

This is called phishing and is a growing problem.

Three US academics have just published the results of their research into why people still fall for this type of fraud.

Much is made of the fact that many people do have difficulty telling a genuine email from a fake one and that a carefully spoofed website will fool the vast majority of people. However, as pointed out elsewhere, these scams can be easily avoided by simply not clicking on any links in an email. Banks can, of course, encourage safer online behaviour by making very clear that they will never include clickable links in emails and that they will never send you an email asking for your personal details.

That said, the sheer stupidity on display from some of the people caught by these scams is astounding.

Recently a number of users fell victim to phishing attacks from a group claiming to be a well-known bank. People entered bank details who weren't even the bank's customers.

And on the off chance that any of those people are visiting this blog and feel the need to respond, please remeber to include your full name, address, bank, account number and your mother's maiden name in your comments.

I love him really. Honest.

2006-04-06T13:51:00.000+01:00

I've had some trouble this week thinking what to write about.

It's all very well for me to post inane drivel on my own blog, but A Mischief I feel deserves something more.

Unfortunately I still couldn't think of anything interesting so inane drivel's what you've got.

I blame the Easter holidays.

I'm slowly losing my mind.

Two and a half weeks. I'm sure when I was at school we didn't get such long holidays. Two weeks at Xmas, a four day weekend in Febuary, two weeks at Easter, six weeks in summer and one week in October.

The Boy gets far more than that.

And all the staff wish us a happy holiday like it's a fun time or something.

The Boy is bored, the weather is miserable, and I'm finding myself looking forward to my ex coming over this evening to look after his son, so that I can go to Tesco.

Seriously.

I can't wait.

A whole 25 minutes on my own. Bliss.

There are 13 days to go until he goes back to nursery. How on earth do parents who also hold down jobs manage it? Where do they put their children? Under their desks?

Perhaps it's me. Perhaps other mothers relish the opportunity to spend even more time with their little darlings. Maybe motherhood is fulfilling in some way that I've missed.

What time is it? Just gone 2pm?

12 and a half days to go, really...

The Abolition of Parliament Bill

2006-04-05T18:20:00.000+01:00

Shortly after Easter is the third reading of the Abolition of Parliament Bill. This bill gives ministers the power to change law by executive order and without having to go through the hassle of parliamentary scrutiny or risking a debate.

The Public Whip team are among those who are more than a little concerned about the bill and have set up a website to raise awareness of the fact that the government are trying to sneak through a major constitutional change.

Go check it out.

This is why people stay at home

2006-04-05T13:35:00.000+01:00

The Organ
Originally uploaded by Pumpkin Patch.

Christ it really isn't surprising that the state of the music industry relies so heavily on things like MySpace and downloads these days.

Today I TRIED to order a ticket to go and see a band live.

It happened to be The Organ.

I tired to order online through See Tickets but they refused my debit card, repeatedly telling me that the security code was wrong (which it was not, you calling me a liar you bunch of ****??!).
So I gave up and tried to order through the venue direct.
And was put on hold until my mobile credit ran out.
Grrrrr.

Then I tried Ticketweb but they didn't list the event I wanted to go see, which is a shame because I've used Ticketweb a few times and they've always been very good.
But no, that was not to be.

So I tried Ticketmaster online - but they kept putting time limits on filling in forms, which meant I was constantly being put back to the beginning - arrrghh!!!
Plus Ticketmaster want you to agree to let them spam you - their terms and conditions don't actually let you opt out of them passing on your details, which is just shit.
SHIT!
And SO shouldn't be allowed.
I couldn't just order a ticket - I had to sign up to their bollocks mailing list spams and 'register' with them.
ALL I BLOODY WANT IS ONE TICKET TO SEE A BAND LIVE!!!
I'm TRYING to support an artist here, people!!

What a load of old annoying cuntymints.

So I try ringing Ticketmaster, hoping that if I ring them they won't email me daily with a load of crud about Robbie'fuckingcunt'Williams and all the other shit I hate.
But they won't let you, and then I got trapped into an inescapable list of their terms and conditions - the only way out was to listen to the reams of t&c until the end or hang up.
So I hung up.

AGHHHHHH!

Eventually I gave up.
I decided I'd just sit on hold to the actual venue for a few hours, so I topped up the mobile phone and just hoped the battery would stick it out.
It did.
A nice lady answered after a few minutes.
I almost sobbed in glee.
I didn't care about the postage and booking fee (why why why can't you just turn up and see a show, eh?) by this point.
But I did only book one ticket.
I'll go alone.
I'll be a billynomates.
Really, I don't care. Just give me the ticket.

The nice lady said she went to see The Organ last night and she 'loved The Organ'.
It didn't occur to me this could be a chat up line.
Maybe it's a good thing I only booked one ticket...

Anyway, so result.
Card finally went through - seemingly I was to 'blame Leeds and Reading' as the festival tickets went on sale today, hence why I was having trouble getting through.

But really.
Is it any wonder people just download songs off the internet?
Is it surprising sales of singles have died when no one can get to a bloody concert?

Music industry, hang your heads in shame!

Blog Of The Week

2006-04-03T18:44:00.000+01:00

Here was me thinking we had a dead heat. We don't. In the time it's taken me to get this whole shebang up and ready to be posted it would seem we have a winner.
In reverse order we have............

The Japing Ape in third place

Cape To Rio a close second

.............and with a late, late surge we have this weeks winner............... Bawbags

Congratulations.

This weeks selection is as follows:

Bored Athenians - A rather entertaining group blog. Check out Skeletor doing the Britney sculpture. Peurile? Sure, but so is the sculpture. Also have a wee look about for the McDonalds online game in which one has to employ corruption, exploitation and slash and burn to keep your profits up as long as possible. Make sure you click on the archive box and the latest date to get the full blog.

The World According To Rob Damnit! - Meet Rob. He's a gay bloke from Chicago, who likes to poke a bit of fun at the obsessively straight in America. More to the point, he also has a damn fine picture of Bush in a liplock with the Canadian PM. Lovely. Anyway, stick yer heads in and say hello.

Oblong Scone - Welcome to the world of Matt Lobster. A world of obstinate cats sitting on your car of a morning, blood donation veterans and tediously sarcastic hotel receptionists. I could go on but all my description here can do is detract from this blog, to render it prosaic when in fact it's a treasure trove of very well written world weariness and dry wit. This chap deserves an audience.

A pile of crap by any other name ...

2006-03-31T16:12:00.000+01:00

A somewhat desultary conversation half-started over at 'la Rullsenberg' the other day, when the 'understudy', Anna Waites, running the site in Lisa's absence, used the phrase "quality TV" which I suggested was an oxymoron. It rapidly declined into an agreement that one should try and define the word 'quality' in this context. I suggested to the no doubt younger-than-me correspondents (well, everyone's younger than me these days, dammit!) to try and imagine reaching the age of 60 plus and deciding which current or recent TV programs they would be thrilled to see again.

I thought, in the circs, that the least I could do from my age of 66 was to try the experiment for myself. Immediately I became aware of the enticing dangers of mere nostalgia. Thus, Z Cars, which was required viewing in my barrack-room in the 1960s (required that is, or the 'Scousers' would turn ugly - than which etc, etc.)) was an excellent forerunner of the modern Police series which now seem to fill so many of the channels. But would it stand up today and earn a place under the heading of 'Quality'? I doubt it.

The only program I can think of, and which I can confirm from experience that it reached the required standard because recently a good friend gave me the two BBC videos as a gift, is Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. This is more than just 'quality', it is excellence of the highest degree. The plot is intricate and intelligent, the playing of all the actors in roles both big and small took full advantage of a superb script and resulted in a production that was both subtle and profound. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy is one that will last and if anyone hasn't seen it, I urge you to buy the two videos.

Anyone else got a TV program they think will qualify as one they would look forward to seeing again in their sixties?

The BCC Project

2006-03-29T12:34:00.000+01:00

have your penis cast in the name of art!

Lazing Away My Days, Am I?

2006-03-28T16:25:00.000+01:00

This is fake, not from the 50's at all, but we still have a giggle over it. We think we've come so far since then.

We haven't.

I was in a relationship once, as I said yesterday on my blog, where the balance was completely off.

He had money, I didn't. He could buy whatever he liked, I had to beg for what I needed. He went out every night, I was only allowed out once a week. And that was only because his band couldn't meet to practise that night anymore.

This was all because he had a job where he worked hard all day, and I stayed home and looked after the baby. To his mind, I was living the easy life, not contributing to our family like he was.

Because I relied on him financially I had to put up with it.

So many people (not just men) think that staying at home raising children is somehow the easy option. Today Daft Bugger (not getting at you here DB, just shamelessly using you to illustrate my point) left a comment on my blog that said:

What you see as an issue, being stuck at home all the time, would be like heaven to me.

It's not heaven. It's hard, and it's lonely. My boy is autistic. All day long I listen to him screaming, and I change nappies. I keep him entertained, I tidy up after him, I make sure everything is in exactly the right place, and done exactly the right way, so he doesn't panic. I provide him with meals that he often doesn't bother to eat, because the food is the wrong colour, or it's associated in his mind with a particular person or place, neither of which is me or the living room.

The only adult company I get most weeks is a brief chat with the staff in the supermarket, or - god help me - my ex when he comes to visit his son.

Before I had my son I used to have a social life, friends, places to be, a career even, confidence. Now I'm someone who's afraid to go new places and meet new people. Online is fine, online is great, I can be myself and chat to anyone. Online keeps me sane. But offline, I'm a gutless wonder.

The highlight of my day is a bottle of wine, to be drunk alone as usual.

It's lonely, thankless hard work being a stay at home mother, single or otherwise, special needs kid or not.

And everyone thinks you're living the bloody life of riley because you're at home all the time.

My Uncle just about fell over once when I mentioned having a day off from looking after my son. What could I possibly need a day off for? I didn't do anything.

So many people feel the same.

I have to go now, my son is screaming.

Blog Of The Week

2006-03-27T21:05:00.000+01:00

Hello,

Slightly belated results this week but I've been drunk all weekend celebrating my birthday.

And the winner is Blowing One's Own Trumpet Involuntarily

Oye Billy is a very close second

and last of all Secret Knowledge Of Backroads.

The nominations for this week are

Cape To Rio

Bawbags

The Japing Ape

Now I know you're all used to getting little descriptions of each blog . Well frankly I cannot be arsed writing them. Most of you lot can't be arsed nominating- sloth is contagious. Suffice to say all of the above blogs are ace and you should read them all and make your own minds up.

Once you've read all the above blogs and voted I'd be grateful if you would all take the time to help wreck crazy she-bore Liz Jones' marriage.

Cheerio

'Clairwil' in mental aberration shock-horror!

2006-03-26T14:06:00.000+01:00

Sorry, fellow magpies, but you are all going to have to push over in the nest to make room for an immigrant, and it's all 'Clairwils' fault, she invited me! I indicate in the title that she might have suffered some sort of mental blackout but on second thoughts it could be what passes for a sense of humour in Glasgow, I mean, everyone has a sense of humour in Glagow; they must have, surely! Anyway, on receiving the invitation to join you all, I must confess my first re-action was to recall some very wise words delivered by Marx, (er, that's Groucho, of course, not that old fool Karl!) to the effect that 'I wouldn't want to be a member of any club that had me as a member!' That said, there is also the problem of what to contribute. I have enough of a problem trying to think of something to write on my own 'blog' that won't open me to charges of inflicting terminal tedium on an unsuspecting public. Still, I must be gracious for this chance to enter these hallowed, electronic portals and try to come up with something really, really bright, witty and interesting ... oh dear, I feel rather tired ... I think I'll have a little lie down ...

Danger! Nazi's On Campus.

2006-03-23T19:39:00.000Z

Just tumbled on this one. Dr Frank Ellis of Leeds University has been suspended, due to his promotion of various ludicrous and ill concieved theories about the role race plays in how intelligent someone is. His theories revolve around the concept that black people naturally have lower intellectual abilities on average than their white counterparts. This he argues, is nothing to do with socio-economic conditions etc, rather it's simple biology. As I said, utter horseshite.

The suspension is partly a rap on the knuckles by his employers for what they see as irresponsibility in divulging his controversial beliefs to a student paper, and partly due to the baying mob of outraged studes who want him out of the University.

His views make little or no sense to anyone with any intellect currently living in the real world, to anyone whos experience of people in the rawness of day-to-day life completely flies in the face of his 'evidence'. I wonder how much effort has been made to engage Mr Ellis in debate? Call his bluff surely, bring him out into the cold light of day and see how far he's willing to argue his theories before his right arm starts twitching, Dr Strangelove like, and he starts declaring his undying love for the fatherland.................

Maybe the fact that the views of Dr Ellis are so utterly absurd and play to theories expounded by the far right means that any reaction to them is inevitably going to be somewhere off the deep end. It's difficult not to loathe the guy. His views on homosexuality and immigrants are equally repellent, yet they're just extreme versions of some of the more nauseating lines of attack employed by the Mail and Express. The 'Black' theory however is one that only the educationally subnormal or the most dedicated racist would subscribe to with any confidence.

I just feel it's an opportunity lost. A chance to humiliate a racist, especially one who hides behind 'scientific research' should be too good to miss. There are so many questions i'd like to ask him.........................

Well Congratulations, Your Nation Is Now Officially Slightly Better Than Vanuatu

2006-03-21T20:04:00.000Z

I have been watching the Commonwealth Games over the last few days, and I have come to the conclusion that it has only marginally more purpose to it than an attempt to move a mountain with a bucket and spade.

There are only about five countries actually competing. I know, I know, there are actually about sixty represented, but have you seen Vanuatu or St Kitts & Nevis win anything? I sure haven't. The problem with this is that I suspect the winners don't feel like they've achieved too much. There's no US of A - although of course if the treasonous upstarts hadn't started picking a fight with us all those years ago then they could be competing now - and let's face it, the USA set down the benchmark in practically all fields of athletics.

I have a problem with athletics generally. It's not particularly entertaining to watch, so you have to surmise that the reason for it is divorced from the spectacle. I can see that in Ancient Greece, it would have been a considerable advantage to be good at throwing a spear, but certainly not now. What about the pole vault? Certainly couldn't use that outside an athletics stadium. You couldn't even use it to leap over small buildings, because you'd break your back on the other side unless there was a crash mat. Athletes just like to say that they're good at chasing or leaping or splashing, but there is no end for this. Team sports - with the notable exception of rugby, which is a carefully constructed charade to allow posh people to grope each other's buttocks - have a pleasing aesthetic to them. They're good to watch, athletics isn't.

One of the daftest comments came during the end of the marathon, as the runner from St Helena ambled in about a day and a half after everyone else had finished, and Sally Gunnell - or someone, it may not have been her - said 'it just goes to show the spirit of these games.' They're crap, you mean. To be fair, you can't blame the bloke. The volcano that he calls home isn't actually large enough to hold a marathon without seeing some of the island twice, so it should hardly be a surprise that he was a bit out of his element.

Now consider the swimming. In absolutely all of the heats, the best competitors were put in lanes 4 and 5, so that you knew before the start that they would be the ones slugging it out in the end. Me and my mates were having a competition trying to predict whether lanes 1 or 8 would come last, which was somewhat more interesting. The eventual conclusion was, I believe, that Guernsey is slightly better than Jersey and The Isle Of Man are better than Gibraltar. You'd think that with their proximity to the sea, they might be a bit better at splashing, but sadly, alas. It really is a deathmatch for the minnows.

In the spirit of friendship, therefore, let me propose some additional sports that could be a laugh:

1) 'Conquest!'

This would be a one-off. Countries other than Britain would compete to put on a dramatisation of the manner in which they were annexed into the Empire. Points would be given for realism, and lost if countries try to alter events a bit.

2) 'Supermarket Sweep'

I firmly believe that athletics should more closely reflect modern life. Spears have no part, but we all have to do the supermarket shopping. Plus, I know that deep down you were sad when they took it off the telly. On a side note, why did they always go for the most pointless objects in that programme? I mean, wouldn't you just grab all the DVDs - small and valuable - rather than seventeen 1kg boxes of Frosties?

3) 'Unicycling'

Who doesn't laugh at those wacky clowns and their funny antics? Events would include the ubiquitos races, but also a style event where participants get extra points for colourful outfits and quality juggling. Oranges would be low scoring, television sets high. Everyone's a winner!

DWP 007

2006-03-21T15:34:00.000Z

Either several helicopters have gone over/past/near my building, or the one helicopter has been circling my block of flats for the past half hour.

I'm begining to wonder what's going on.

I'm a paranoid soul, you know. I have been ever since I met a woman whose job it was to investigate fraudulent benefit claims.

Not that I'm making any false claims, you understand.

But neither where some of the people she tracked. People report each other to the DWP for all sorts of reasons. You can do it anonymously.

This woman used to be up at all hours of the night following people to make sure they weren't working as well as claiming.

Ever since, I've wondered who might be eating their sandwiches in that dirty white van there. Or who might be filming from across the street.

The woman doesn't work for the DWP anymore. She's on Incapacity Benefit. For stress.

Good, eh?

The helicopter's still about.

Repeated as Farce

2006-03-21T13:35:00.000Z

Whoever chooses the daily article from the Guardian's archives to go on their website has a great eye for historical resonances.

Blog Of The Week

2006-03-19T18:51:00.000Z

Here are the results of last weeks BOTW poll.

The winner: Pigdogfucker.

Runner Up: The Trouser Quandry Resolution.

In third place was Geese Aplenty.

Thankyou all for participating...............

This weeks unsuspecting targets of our affection are as follows.

Secret Knowledge Of Backroads I've only had a quick gander at this one but it looks very good, with a large archive to run through. Not having ploughed the older stuff, I know very little about Mr Backroads other than he has a wife(Mrs Backroads), has mice in his garage which they are trying to get rid of using humane traps and they have been to New York recently. There is also mention of dogging. On a scooter. A truly surreal and disturbing image.

Blowing One's Own Trumpet Involuntarily Written by one 'Daft Bugger', it's a cheerful and amusing read right off the bat. The post about the obvious superiority of a crumpet over a bagel is worth the nomination in itself. He also seems to hate inspirational quotes as well, which can only be a good thing.

Oye Billy! Tangential and funny blog that covers topics such as childhood traumas involving packed lunches and soft drinks, gay characters in soap operas and ruminations about which famous people you would choose to represent the good and bad sides of your personality. It's a fairly new blog but what's there is pretty damn good.

Vote like the wind little ones...................

People Vs. Blogging

2006-03-17T22:18:00.000Z

Bieng out with people is better than blogging. Here we stand in a circle, drink, yell, and scream.

Here I drink from the ritual scepter tasting the fruit of the gods " genny light"

Here I'm walking on thin ice across an old canal.

We walk over a couple of fallen down trees.

We climb to the top of the locks, there's got to be more beer somewhere.

Once again all together with beer.

Ill Man:Random Insult Generator

2006-03-16T21:52:00.000Z

Hello there my lovelies...................No subject as such, just a few things that have been upsetting my delicate equilibrium of late.

Who watched more than five minutes of last nights Fat Pets before they felt that old homicidal urge..........?

The woman who owned the Rottweiler needs to be arrested or have the dog removed from her 'care'. If it drives her to suicide or something then so be it, just one less white trash retard in the world. Hooray!! I realise these people are just showing their love for their pet/surrogate child in the only way their feeble minds can manage but why should some poor sod of an animal suffer fucked joints, obvious discomfort walking and a dull sedantry existance with a severely curtailed lifespan because their fuckwit owners don't know when to stop feeding them........................?

Ok, next.............Commonwealth Games. Ooh, like shooting fish in a barrel this...............The fucking Commonwealth? Is this a rather sick and silly joke? Please tell me nobody sees this 'Shit Olympics' as anything other than an excuse for British athletes to rack up a decent medal count before the next Olympics or World Championships send them back to their usual 'plucky loser' demeanour. Feel free to disagree of course. Am I missing something in all this? It's the League Cup of athletics I suppose, but can't it just be held as a track and field thing over the space of a long weekend or something?

Anyway, I'm just miffed because I forgot these were on tonight.

The Falling Man

The Plot Against Harold Wilson

When I rule the cinema

2006-03-15T07:12:00.000Z

I love films. My local cinema has an unlimited card that you pay £10.99 a month for and you can see all the films you like. It's my best friend. As I go to the cinema much more than the average person, I have unfortunately come across some unbelievably anti-social behaviour by other patrons. Here are some examples -

1. People who wait until the film is starting to go to the toilet – you’ve just sat through 20 minutes of adverts and trailers and now you think about going to the toilet ? Is the new pretentious ad for a car you could never afford more important than the film you just paid £5.80 to see ? Or maybe it’s because you just wolfed down a large popcorn and a bucket of juice like you hadn’t eaten in days, although your girth would seem to suggest otherwise. Morons.

2. Kids who sneak in to disrupt– isn’t it just hilarious to sneak in the fire escape and run around shouting and spoiling the film for the people who actually paid to see it ? These kids are the burglars of tomorrow. I wouldn’t mind if they actually just sat down and watched the film but it seems to be more fun to be little pricks. They should operate a shoot-to-kill policy.

3. The seat-kickers – I’ve actually taken to sitting in the back row now whenever I can to avoid this. I can go through the 3 hours plus of King Kong without touching the seat in front of me once. I can cross my legs, uncross them, stretch out a bit to the side and still not touch the seat in front of me. Yet there are a plethora of spatially unaware fuckwits who can spend an entire 2 hours kicking and if you complain, they make it look like you’re the arsehole and then start up again.

4. The late-comers – it’s not all late-comers, just the ones who think they have the right to walk into a film 20 minutes after it’s started and fanny about choosing a seat. I have been late to a film once and I just plonked my arse down in the first free seat in the front row, so as not to disturb anyone else because of MY tardiness. You get these people standing in the middle of the staircase in the pitch black, sometimes talking at the top of their voices, before finally sloping back down to the front row that they passed coming in. If you don’t like sitting there, BE ON TIME. Muppets.

5. The talkers – I had to shush a couple in their 40’s the other day who had plainly just come in to have a natter. Cinema tickets are expensive. For the price of their admissions, they could have had a couple of drinks in the bar and caught up with each other, and I could have enjoyed my film in silence. Yet again, if you complain you are the arsehole.

6. The mobile phone users – how many times do they need to tell you that you’re not allowed to have your mobile phone on ? There are signs all over the lobby, 3 different warnings during the ads and trailers and people still think they’re just too important to obey the rules. If your life cannot function if you turn your phone off for a couple of hours, then I think you need to seek professional help.

7. The irresponsible parents - not unique to cinemas, also found in fast food restaurants. The ones that use it as free babysitting, who come in and let their children run riot, destroying things, spilling stuff and screaming and just sit at another table ignoring it all because they don't have to clean it up for once.

Of course, these are only a few examples but there are many. many more. Some people just shouldn't be allowed out in public. I don't understand how people can be so inconsiderate, like they have the right to misbehave just because they have paid for a ticket. It makes a person want to take up dismembering as a hobby.

The wonders of modern technology

2006-03-14T14:17:00.000Z

I nearly threw my phone at a brick wall today. Not my mobile phone, you understand. My landline phone, cable, socket and all. The reason for my ire can be summed up in two words that masquerade as one: ParcelForce.

I didn't even choose to use ParcelForce, nor would I ever do so in the future. I ordered something online last week, and the foolish company in question entrusted its delivery to ParcelForce. It arrived on Thursday; I wasn't there. They tried to deliver it again on Friday; I wasn't there again. They left a card saying that the parcel in question had been returned to the depot, and that I should ring their helpline.

It was about there that the trouble started. It was an automated phone system.

"For redeliveries, press 1. For bookings and film times, press 2. For a map leading to the treasure of the Sierra Madre, press 3. For impatience counselling, press 4 exactly 297 times." And so on. I pressed the one key and hoped to speak to an actual human being, with information about where my parcel was and when I could hope to receive it.

No such luck. And it was even worse than the initial automaton. Not only did I have to listen to its hideous recorded vocalisations, I actually had to talk to it.

"Welcome to the redelivery menu. [An inauspicious start.] Have you previously asked for this item to be redelivered? Answer 'yes' or 'no'."

"No."

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please answer 'yes' or 'no'."

"NO!"

"Thank you. Now please tell me the postcode on the address of the parcel."

"WA8 7AQ."

"W. H. Eight. Seven. A. U. Is that right?"

"No, it's not even fucking close, you stupid fucking machine."

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please answer 'yes' or 'no'."

And so it continued, hearing "Sefton Lane" as "Sextant Way", and "11th March" as "7th March", until I may well have had steam coming out of my ears. What seemed like three hours later, I got to the crunch, and asked for it to be redelivered on the Saturday morning.

"You have selected Saturday. Eleventh. March. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Be advised that Saturday redeliveries incur a charge of eleven pounds, payable on receipt of the item. Is that alright?"

"What the fuck? No it's not fucking alright, you greedy bastards! I've already paid £55 for the parcel and a fiver for P&P, and now you want another ELEVEN for the privilege of being able to receive it?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Please answer 'yes' or 'no'."

It was at this point that the phone nearly hit the wall. Instead I furiously hung up. Which, in retrospect, was probably a mistake as it meant when I rang back to arrange the redelivery to another address so I'd actually be able to receive it, I had to go through the whole rigmarole of misheard postcodes and addresses again. And then that was a waste of time, as changing addresses on the parcel apparently incurs a charge of six pounds, which I wasn't prepared to pay.

In the end, I've had it delivered to a post office, for a less exorbitant but still frankly cheeky charge of fifty pence. ParcelForce are nothing but a bunch of greedy robbing bastards. All I can say is, the parcel had better be worth it.

The Child Support Agency...

2006-03-13T13:13:00.000Z

I had a good old rant on my own blog about this particular subject, but seeing as I deleted all my archives in a fit of woe-is-me, I'll briefly recap:

They have my name wrong.
They have my address wrong.
They have my national insurance number wrong.
And they have my ex's name wrong.

I haven't been able to cash the child support they send me because I've no ID for this mythical being they've created.

I'm not even going to go into the other balls-ups they've made - like suddenly shutting my case down because they decided my son had been removed from my care when he hadn't, or letting my ex away without paying hundreds of pounds of maintenance because they lost a form - because we'd be here all day.

I phoned them up for what must be the seventh time to try and get them to sort out the mistakes they'd made with my details.

I sat back with the phone, expecting to have to fight my way through the computer system for several minutes...and a real human being answered.

I was so surprised it took me a moment to gather myself and ask for my new case worker. I expected to be told she was unavailable and would call me back - oooh, around never - but she came on the line.

I told her about all the various mistakes the CSA had made, the five letters I'd written and six other phone calls I'd made to sort it out with no joy...and she corrected the mistakes and apologised profusely, right then and there.

What's more, I received it in writing the following morning.

I'm still stunned.

Ms B, case worker with the CSA, you have given me a tiny bit of hope in the system.

Which is probably dangerous.

Blog Of The Week

2006-03-12T21:24:00.000Z

Hello,
A rather sparse week at the Mischief due to us being locked for being 'a spam blog'. Bastards no trial, no investigation, nothing. Anyway we're back and that's the main thing. So without further ado, here are the winners of last weeks contest;

In first place we have Do The Evolution

In second place Fafblog

In third place Sleepless In Sudan.

I'm delighted to announce that we actually have nominations this week. Thanks to everyone who nominated. Nominations for the next poll can be made by clicking here.

First up we have Geese Aplenty- An excellent well written blog about anything from Girl Scout cookies to Jihad. Very highly recommended.

Next we have The Trouser Quandary Resolution- Total bloody gibberish, too bloody good. All I shall say is that I visited the site earlier intending to spend ten minutes reading it and stayed for just over an hour.

Last but by no means least we have Pigdogfucker- mercifully it's not about unlikely farmyard unions but jolly old current affairs. If it were possible to dance to blogs I would dance to Pigdogfucker. In a leotard.

Now get voting otherwise God will instruct me to kill you all in the name of democracy.

Comet are a bunch of arse

2006-03-08T22:55:00.000Z

My washing machine broke down recently.
And so I decided I better get a new one.
As opposed to just letting the old one leak all over my kitchen floor.
So I did the shop around thing.
I walked to various shops.
Currys said any new washing machine would take 4 days to deliver and they couldn't give me a time of day. Or even a rough time of day like morning/afternoon.
Argos said weeks.
So Comet seemed like a god-send when they said they could deliver 2 days later AND could tell me morning or afternoon.
So I paid my £250.
And then the extra £28 for delivery and installation and taking-away of my old machine.
Except, come two days later....

Two blokes show up.
One asks to use the toilet.
Which is so wrong before he's even done anything.
Then they say they need a cupboard cleared.
Which I do.
Then they tell me that they can't install my new washing machine OR take away my old one because 'it doesn't have a separate stop cock'.

And I'm standing there thinking 'er. Yes it does.'
And I say 'Yes they do'.

But two mockneys stand in front of me and tell me that it doesn't - 'go have a look' says one of them.

Now I'm the sort of person who has a conviction until people question it.
And they have to question it with the utmost conviction back - but when they do, I can't help but be thrown into questioning of my own knowledge.
My regular readers will tell you this is exactly how an absolute minger once managed to talk me into bed - by repeating the words 'You know you want me' so many times that I began to question myself.
"Maybe I DO want her" I thought, "after all, she seemed VERY sure of this fact, maybe I was just confused..."

So it will come as no surprise that I once again made the fatal mistake of believing what another person told me, instead of trusting my instincts and basic knowledge.

"You'll need a plumber" they said.
And off they went.
*cunts*

So I called some plumbers.
Of COURSE this was highly optimistic because we all know the first things plumbers say are things like "*sucking noise through teeth* Nah, can't do it until at least next Monday" which is shit for an emergency plumber, even if I do say so myself. Technically I could probably have them under the Trade Descriptions laws for that one.
Eventually I hit lucky (not literally, I doubt a small dog off an advert would be able to plumb in a washing machine anyway although hitting a small animal may well have made me feel better, however the RSPCA needn't fear as I didn't mean it like that) and rang a number where the people told me roughly how much it was going to be (£50-something per hour (or part of an hour) plus VAT plus parts) and that they had a plumber who could be there in a few hours. Which is slightly better than 'next week maybe' but still would have been a disaster if I hadn't already spotted that the fucking cretins from Comet had unscrewed the cold water pipe on the back slightly, causing cold water to leak all over my fucking kitchen floor.

What a bunch of useless bastards.
Are they in cahoots with the plumber in the area, I wondered?
It's no wonder I have trust issues, I mean, really!

So plumber chap turns up eventually.
And tells me that this isn't the first time he's had to install a washing machine 'because Comet can't be bothered' and confirms my suspicion that yes, I do have a separate stop cock - actually, I have two. So they were lying.
"And they weren't even stiff" said the plumber, referring to the ease of turning, which surprised me because I hadn't touched the bloody things since I moved in over 7 years ago.

The plumber took 14 minutes to install my new washing machine and move the old one to one side.
And that cost me seventy quid.
This does not include the twenty eight quid I'd paid Comet to do the installation and taking away of old one.
(Bastards.)

So the next day (I thought I should have some 'calming down' time so I didn't do or say anything rash, or be tempted to stab anyone with a ballpoint pen emblazoned with the Comet logo) I walked back to Comet for a refund of the installation charge.

They gave me EIGHT pounds back.
EIGHT.
I'd paid just under ONE HUNDRED having the fucking thing supposedly delivered and installed and they said that out of the almost thirty quid I paid them to install my washing machine 'only eight of that is the actual installation charge. The rest is the delivery charge'.

Fucking cretins.

Eight poxy quid.
EIGHT!
I ask you!

Bunch of cowboys.

I'm tempted to complain.
I'm tempted to write to Comet head office in a witty manner, as recommended by The 5 O'Clock Show on ITV (I'd write to the 5 O'Clock Show but they've taken it off air now. Boo!), and compose an amusing ditty or limerick to express my utmost annoyance at being ripped off and done over by their arse-bandits of delivery men.
But really. What is the point?
They're only going to tell me that they already gave me a refund.
Without Richard Hammond and Melanie Giedroyc making them look bad on live telly I don't stand a chance in hell of rectifying this or making me feel a bit better.
And they'll say that me having to get out a plumber - even if it WAS at the recommendation of their delivery men - is not anything to do with them.
And I'm annoyed that I've already wasted enough time and effort on them in the first place.
And anyway, my lesbian poetry sticks to the tradition of being 'terrible' and making small children cry in agony.
(The Vogons had nothing on me.)

But let this be a lesson to you all.

Since telling various friends about the incident it's amazing how many have told me that THEY can install washing machines and would happily have done so for me.
(Who knew I socialised with such a pack of dark horses??)

So my advice for any of you who, in future, find themselves in a similar predicament is thus: avoid Comet at all costs and just get your mates to plumb one in for you.
At least you won't be left with a raised toilet seat, a flooded kitchen floor and a hefty hole in your bank account.

And before you ask - no, it is not a case of 'well, at least it's in now' (as all the men say).
It's already leaking.
Why is it, that my old, trusty (and very rusty) washing machine did not leak ONCE in over 10 years until this - and yet I've already had two wet floors since the new one arrived at my door??

And I won't even mention the rust on the flipping drum.
I won't.
Or else that ballpoint pen is going to be acting as a ventilation shaft in someone's buttock.

Some Blogs.

2006-03-08T00:53:00.000Z

These are either too esoteric or too new to nominate for BOTW. Or both. They're worth a shufty anyway.

View From Mars When I lose the will to live after doing my rounds of blogland I pop in here and smile at the happy lives and rather spiffy photos.

A Canadian View Of The World One for the botanists amongst you. As before, nice pictures, calm thoughts and Damn! if that isn't my new screensaver!!!

Sun Sea Mountains Yoga More.. Someones journey through India by the looks of it. Travelblogs like this can be a little smarmy but the photos are nice and i'll reserve judgement on the written entries until i've had a chance to read the blog properly.

Cheers!

Blog Of The Week

2006-03-05T14:54:00.001Z

Hello. A fine tussle for the honours this week. Average Tosser took the spoils, Bogol running in second not far behind. It's an indication of what it was up against when I say that Jezblog took a distant third spot with a very healthy sixteen votes. That's been known to win botw on some weeks.

This weeks randomly crowbarred gang of web scribes are as follows:

Fafblog- What happens when you take insane American right wing reasoning and hyperbole to it's illogical conclusion. You get Fafblog. Absurdist satire at it's best. Watch out for the retina scorching template.

Do The Evolution- Another of those blogs you stumble upon by accident making you glad for the existance of Blogger's update bar. This well written and at times ragingly passionate blog is resolutely 'left' but argues it's partisan stance in an artoiculate and coherent manner and when it does lose it's rag, it pins you to the floor with it's vitriol when other political blogs simply trot out some mealy mouthed party line sneering disguised as anger or wit.

Sleepless In Sudan- A posthumous nomination. The blog has only been inactive for about a month now, but it stands as a fantastic journal about the emotional rollercoaster of being an aid worker in such a strife torn part of the world. This is definitely worth reading from the beginning, though I have to admit I have only really dipped into it in a slightly random fashion so far.

Ok kids, get voting...........

There Were Tears.......................

2006-03-02T22:15:00.000Z

Some time ago, the more alert among you may have remembered Clairwil announcing that this blog had been nominated for a 'Best Blog Awards' Award at Tampon Teabag.

The Mischief only went and won it.........................

A big thankyou to all those who voted. Thanks also to Larry Teabag for the recognition. We are deeply moved by this award and are in the process of shamelessly inflating our already oversized ego's to planet sized proportions. Thankyou.

All that remains is for me to echo Clairwil's request to our readers and contributers to email your blog findings so we can consider them for BOTW. I don't think theres a single link on my site that hasn't been up for Blog Of The Week at some point. The good stuff is becoming really hard to find, so we need all the help we can get.

Cheers!

ill man

Lights Out

2006-03-01T22:48:00.000Z

In an ancient old issue of The Onion, theres spoof article about a room in Ohio or somesuch, where America's remaining smokers are permitted to smoke.

I was reminded of this when I read about Glasgow City Council's latest wheeze(pun not intended) in the war on smoking and smokers and it was little wonder that it raised a quizical eyebrow over at ill mansions today. The latest ban seems to go beyond the 'four walls and a roof' public places ban to include childrens play areas too. Now some readers will no doubthold their hands up in admonishment and explain that it's about enforcing good habits and protecting children from smoke inhalation. Great. It's just that the ban actually defies logic. Children who's parents smoke will be free of the killer fumes for all of an hour or so until they go home and mum or dad light up again. Even if parents smoke in as responsible a fashion as possible, the child is still growing up in an environment where cigarette smoke is in the air and parents can be seen working their way through a pack of snouts day in, day out. Their abscence in an open air playground will be of little impact on the general health and well being of that particular child.

This brings me onto the children of non smokers. These children, in all probability the majority, will live in houses in which fags are never seen. At worst, an elderly relative will smoke but to all intents and purposes, the only danger to their respiratory systems are exhaust fumes and choking on lego bricks. Tell me then, how a few mothers or childminders having a crafty fag, again outdoors, whilst the ankle biters fling themselves about on swings and chutes is going to adversely affect their health or influence them into a sixty a day habit by their sixteenth birthday?

"Aw ill man" I hear you say, "It's just in playgrounds, and unless you like hanging out in them, what's yr problem?" The problem is this. The original idea proposed was to ban smoking in all areas of public parks. The only reason they backed out of this was because they felt it wasn't enforceable. Believe me, the day they get video cameras in public parks..................

Just think, Ciggie Gattso's. Hilarious.

By that time they'll probably have banned lighting up full stop. Obviously banning smoking entirely would not be a popular or practical move but I think smokers have to realise(and most probably have) that this is a ban by stealth and that it's only a matter of time before they stop smoking in any area of congregation(indoors or out).

That smoking room in Ohio aint so far off.

Snew ?

2006-02-27T14:53:00.000Z

Snew with you ?

Dreaming crazy, vivid, physics defying dreams

In a house on top of a mountain in frigid blowing cold, the house bends with the wind sending the puke green shag carpet floor pitching and rolling as I make note that the window s are in but the casings & trim are incomplete. The furnitureless house bows back and forth in the wind and I am tossed about.

In a large dorm room in a university that can't exist, two bunk beds evenly a foot or two from opposite sides of the room the room itself is shaped like a piece of pizza with a blunt end where the pointy end should be. At the blunt end is a sliding glass door that opens onto a covered deck, down stairs into a grassy courtyard, surrounded by a semi circle of like courtyards and decks. I am a fly on the wall. The young men talk about a older women coming to town to visit on of the young men, a mistress.

I am flying about, running from starship trooper size bugs protecting my kids, telling people " we'll be OK, I can fly"

I am riding on a self propelled blanket around a department store. Sitting Indian style on a blanket that rides on the ground with no visible means of locomotion. Grinning from ear to ear as I zoom through bedding and kitchen ware.

Blog Of The Week

2006-02-26T20:27:00.000Z

Hello,

Let's all raise a glass of moonshine to this weeks winner 'Hillbilly Mansion' who romped into first place with 71% of the vote. 'Crumpled Caitlin' is in second place leaving 'The Immediate' in third place. Well done to all of you.

Before I tell you who this weeks candidates are, can I just appeal for nominations. Honestly I'm running out of ideas now.

Anyway here are this weeks nominations;

1. Jezblog- Good blog if a little infrequently updated, though I get the impression Jez is a busy fellow. The blog seems to about anything that's on the authors mind at a given time from news stories to his tax bill. The blog has being going for a few years now so there's plenty of archive material to browse through.

2. Random Drivel From Your Average Tosser- Is anything but, it is a fine blog mainly concerned with the authors take on news and events. Very entertaining stuff.

Bogol is the fucking weirdest thing I have ever come across. If the poor bugger who writes it wasn't deranged when he started it, the strain of writing genius gibberish over a prolonged period must surely have sent him doolally by now.

Three Minute Hero

2006-02-24T20:03:00.000Z

Amnesty UK's director, Kate Allen is disappointed, to say the least, with Labour's human rights record in the eight years since publishing the Bringing Rights Home White Paper.

Tony Blair has argued that, in the intervening eight years, "the rules of the game have changed". It is of course true the threat of terrorist attack is far greater and the Government has a responsibility to protect citizens. But some rules must not be changed - the right to a fair trial, the independence of the judiciary and the global ban on torture.

The same paper also reports on the verdict of the Foreign Affairs Committee on the Government's human rights record and Blair's response.

In short, "anomolies" like Guantanamo Bay and Extraordinary rendition are illegal, immoral and undermine the position of those championing western values such as liberty, freedom of expresskion and the rule of law, as does turning a blind eye to human rights abuses in Iraq. Attempts to sign "memoranda of understanding" with countries such as Algeria - who, inceidentally, have recently locked up a cartoonist - are nothing more than a cynical abrogation of its responisbilities on the part of the government.

The Indy also picks up on Blair's assertion that that all of his critics have "the world the wrong way round" and asks oh, really?

Elsewhere, the Internet Service Providers Association has awarded the UK presidency of the EU the dubious honour of internet villain of the year.

An ISPA spokesperson said, "The UK Presidency of the European Union received this award for seeking EU wide data retention laws which will force ISPs and telcos to retain more data for longer without proper impact assessment."

D:Ream really were the wrong people to provide the soundtrack to Labour's 1997 election campaign.

Friday 24th is Work Your Proper Hours Day

2006-02-23T17:44:00.000Z

Tomorrow is Work Your Proper Hours Day

Over five million people at work in the UK regularly do unpaid overtime, giving their employers £23 billion of free work every year. If you're one, why not take some time to reflect on how well (or badly) you're balancing your life?

24th February 2006 is the day when the average person who does unpaid overtime finishes the unpaid days they do every year, and starts earning for themselves. We think that's a day worth celebrating.

Take a proper lunchbreak, not just a sandwich at your desk, and leave on time, to enjoy your own time on Friday evening. You deserve it! This is one day in the year for your boss to appreciate your efforts, and for you to appreciate yourself.

I'll be down the pub at 5:00 on Friday. How about you?

It's not your body

2006-02-23T15:44:00.000Z

It seems to me that America is going backwards these days. The state of South Dakota has passed a law banning abortion in virtually all cases. The only exception to this would be when the foetus dies "during a doctor's attempt to save the mother's life". The part that I find most interesting is where it says that there are no exceptions made for cases of rape or incest. In fact, this was tabled and voted down. If a woman is raped and becomes pregnant, she not only has to deal with being sexually violated, she now has to have the child whether she wants it or not. I can't believe that people think this is acceptable. Can't they see how traumatic it would be ? Perhaps these are the same people who think women are to blame for rape by "dressing provacatively" or daring to drink alcohol.

It amazes me that they think that passing this law will achieve anything. It will force people to go abroad for the procedure or, worse, to try and do it themselves. It doesn't seem to matter if they die because they are evil anyway. I thought it was God's job to decide who lives or dies and to judge people on their actions.

As a result of this law being passed, the Supreme Court may have to decide if they will overturn the decision to make abortion legal. Is this really the "land of the free" where women have no rights over their own bodies ? Some anonymous person cares so much about other people's lives that they have donated $1 million to back the legislation. Why can't they just mind their own business ? That money could do a lot of good but it's being wasted because seomebody is so unhappy in their own life that they have to interfere with others. That is the true evil.

Stop It Now, Mr Blair Is Getting Very Cross

2006-02-22T22:21:00.000Z

Oh dear Mr Blair, do you think anyones listening? Do you think they'll ever listen? Maybe that's the problem with bombing the shite out of a country, invading it, occupying it and trying to impose your will on it. It doesn't leave people terribly well disposed towards heeding your words when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

He can wring his hands until doomsday over the latest insurgency outrage but I have a sad feeling that this is the final straw for the Shi'ite populace of Iraq and his pleas for restraint will fall on very deaf ears.

Thank-You Tampon Teabag

2006-02-20T21:59:00.000Z

Hello,

It has been broght to my attention that we, The Mischief have been nominated for a prize!
To vote for us click here.

Cheerio

Supporting Free Expression

2006-02-20T20:31:00.000Z

The March for Free Expression deserves all the support it can get.

The Hindenburg Disaster

2006-02-20T19:03:00.000Z

The Liberal Review has just brought my attention to the Legislative and Regulatory Reform Bill.

This innocuous sounding piece of legal administration is being proposed to

enable provision to be made for the purpose of reforming legislation and implementing recommendations of the Law Commission, the Scottish Law Commission and the Northern Ireland Law Commission; to make provision about the exercise of regulatory functions; to make provision about the interpretation of legislation relating to the European Communities and the European Economic Area; to make provision relating to section 2(2) of the European Communities Act 1972; and for connected purposes.

In other words, it would give ministers the power to introduce or amend legislation without having to go through all the inconveniece of convincing a bunch of stroppy MPs. Which would make the next general election as significant as the last vote for your local parish council.

You can read the details of the debate here.

Blog Of The Week

2006-02-19T13:06:00.000Z

Blog of the week results are as follows.

The runaway winner- Department Of Hate

Congratulations!

In second place- I Hope You Get Cancer

And in third, only a few votes behind we have Celebrity Slag.

Nominees for this week.

Crumpled Caitlin
Blog showcasing the illustrations and graphic novel work of this Canadian artist.

The Immediate
A very naked and personal blog. Quite intense in places.

Hillbilly Mansion Journal of a self confessed 'Hillbilly Mom'.

Vote away folks!

I Fought The Law And The Law Rolled Over And Said Bugger Me Big Boy!

2006-02-16T21:59:00.000Z

Is it me? Is it? Can you believe the effrontery of this blue nosed little beast? Can you believe the lunacy of a legal system that indulges his little whims? I am of course referring to self confessed car thief Alexander McLeod of Drumoyne, Glasgow who has had his forthcoming court date rearranged to allow him to go to Spain and watch a Rangers game.

The filthy, thieving, little hun is very lucky I'm not in charge of these things. Very lucky indeed! If I were the Sheriff I'd have made him clean the gents at Parkhead with a toothbrush. Then I'd have made him walk up and down the pitch at half time during all home Celtic games in a Rangers strip and stockings whilst the crowd pelted him with shit and half eaten pies. Then I'd have sent him to prison for the original offence. Then I'd have waited for him to be released and hit him in the face with a half brick. I am a reasonable person, I only wish to see justice done.

Honestly any sheriff worth his salt would have kicked him in the stones for even suggesting he be allowed to leave the country, let alone attend a football game. What next? Paedophiles being allowed to leave their trial early to catch the schools coming out? Drunk drivers having their trial postponed to let them sleep off a nasty hangover? I do hope so I'd hate to see any criminal inconvenienced. That would be simply dreadful.

If anyone comes across the little criminal in Spain I urge you to drown him. Oh yes and I hope Rangers get humped.

What's My Name?

2006-02-15T23:05:00.000Z

Got this from a friend.

Gangsta Name Generator

Find out what the gangsta name of the office arsehole is and then call them it for ever...............Your pirate name, New York Cabbie name, mafia name...................it's all here.

The cabbie names are a bit shit to be honest, but I can now rest easy in the knowledge that my mafia name is TONY THE FIST.

Happy VD

2006-02-14T10:40:00.000Z

For all those who don't enjoy Valentine's Day - here is the Anti-valentine. Send one to your ex, your ex's new partner, that nasty co-worker, your boss etc. Just remember it's meant to be anonymous !

Vote For Blog Of The Week

2006-02-13T22:21:00.000Z

Hello,

No time for niceties, here are the nominations.

'I Hope You Get Cancer'- A lovely pink sweary blog.

'Department Of Hate'- This blogger hates Mick Hucknall which puts him on the side of the angels in my book.

Celebrity Slag- It's pink and astonishingly rude.

Get voting.

Blog Of The Week

2006-02-13T21:05:00.000Z

Hello,
Sorry for the late results. Well I'm not sorry at all I'm just being polite. So there.

In first place we have West Coast Ramblings

In second we have Castro's Favourite Colour

and last but not least Onan On Line

As there have not been any nominations this week I'm away to find three blogs to nominate. Any suggestions for next week would be very welcome.

Cheerio

No, Don't Do It!

2006-02-12T16:55:00.000Z

Apparently, NBC are setting up a US version of Eurovision. Oh dear, oh dear. What on Earth has possessed them?

There must be no better way to spread regionalism in its worst form, and to make music both commercial and political. All you would ever have is states voting for states that they actually like, and never for anyone they don't - so red states are almost certainly never going to vote for blue states, or vice versa. What we always end up with in Europe is most nations only voting for their next door neighbours, particularly in the Eastern Bloc, so Poland and Latvia do well regardless. Therefore, the state that would win is most likely the state with most neighbours.

Seriously, if I were American, I'd write to NBC begging them not to do this.

Do Americans really want to hear an Oklahoman version of Jemini?

He's Not The Messiah etc......................

2006-02-11T23:01:00.000Z

Did anyone see Pete Doherty on Channel 4 news tonight? It's either hilarious or deeply depressing depending on how seriously you take things. Channel 4 news gave him about five minutes to mumble incoherently, tunelessly strum an acoustic guitar and, well, not a lot else to be frank. Thankyou channel four. When do I get mine................?

The self destructive rock star has long been venerated by wanky rock hacks and middle class teenagers and Doherty is no exception. The problem is that most doomed hedonists to have blazed a trail across vinyl and celluloid in the past fifty years(or more) have left an imprint, regardless of their failings. There has been something about them that has transcended the shitty circumstances of their existance. Not so our Pete. As empty a vessel as Mr Simon Ritchie but while Sid was never considered an artist Doherty is given a kind of kudos that still strikes me as bewildering. His post Libertines album underlines the fact that his artistic effectiveness was always going to be in conjunction with his old foil Carl Barratt. A lyrical nonentity and an awful singer who manages the unprecedented feat(in my listening experience) of making his backing band sound good.

After his latest brush with the law, he has pledged to stay clean. All very commendable but I can't help feeling that when your only talent is getting wasted, it would be such a shame to cast it aside so readily.

I still think he would be better served working as a male model. He is rather beautiful in a certain light you know......................... Which puts him a grade or two above this twat.

Teleshopping

2006-02-09T11:28:00.000Z

I might have to treat myself to one I think ...

Mischief Blog Of The Week
	Bored Athenians
	The World According To Rob DAMNIT!
	Oblong Scone

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Blog Of The Week
	Secret Knowledge Of Backroads
	Blowing One's Trumpet Involutarily
	Oye Billy!

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Mischief Of Magpies Blog Of The Week
	Tabloid Whore
	The Curmudgeon
	Miss Snark

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Mischief Of Magpies Blog Of The Week
	Blunt Cogs
	The Shrine Of The Blind Winger Jones
	Manuel Stimulation

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Blog Of The Week
	Pickled Politics
	Glitter For Brains
	El Barbudo

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Blog Of The Week- YOU DECIDE
	The Japing Ape
	Bawbags
	Cape To Rio

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Blog Of The Week- YOU decide
	Trouser Quandary
	Pigdogfucker
	Geese Aplenty

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Blog Of The Week:
	Fafblog
	Do The Evolution
	Sleepless In Sudan

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Blog of the week- YOU decide!
	Bogol
	Average Tosser
	Jezblog

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Blog Of The Week
	Crumpled Caitlin
	The Immediate
	Hillbilly Mansion

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Blog of the week
	Department Of Hate
	I Hope You Get Cancer
	Celebrity Slag

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